me getting hot and heavy during a one-night stand:
"Pull my hair and lie to me-"

Immanuel Kant:
(*gets out of bed and starts getting dressed*)
"I think you should go."

Me:
"But wait, I-"

Immanuel Kant:
"You need to leave."

Me:
"As Immanuel Kant said, When kitten lies, it makes daddy sad."

Them: "We can't judge the lie until we see the consequences on the larger population-"

Me: "well that's utilitarianism kitten, and frankly, the best way to maximize happiness is not to contradict daddy."

RIP Frankenstein’s Monster, you would have loved Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve 😔

Why ogle the cow when you can gargle the milk for free, my guy?

As Marcus Aurelius once said; “an ant would kill to be you rn”

Renaming my pussy Charlie Kirk cuz I love when you hit the spot that makes it gush

My rising sign is "and shine"

Brainstorming lies like
"I got my cap thinking cap on"

1) this comic is 69 years old.
2) aight

So the punchline is coincidence. And we're all ok with this?

Yes, but how does the scale know? And why does his weight insinuate he doesn't clean up after himself???

Me when I lose the cereal eating contest

What the hell does this mean

Me trying to show a pic off my phone to a coworker without accidentally flashing them

Taking my dog's collar off at the end of the day because if I can take my bra off she can take off her's too.

Really craving some gruel right about now. No one makes slop like they used to.

Brb I'm matching MY OWN freak.

AI took my job a few years ago, and the only person who really knows my pain is Charlie Bucket's dad at the beginning of that Tim Burton Wonka film.

I'm either ballin' or I'm bawlin'

Sometimes when we empathize with others, we think about if their sickness was put on top of our health. We don't think about what if our health were taken away.

In other words- I gave myself a bowlcut and lost my pretty privilege. Got a lotta thinkin to do.

"We are so back."

But in a measured way. Because we've been "back" before, and didn't go very well.

"It's always 'How now?' never 'why now?'."

- Brown Cow

I'm not here to get political but y'all see how the masses are thirsting after this Luigi guy?

Incels... take notes. Ok? That's all.

Ngl the "eat hot chip and lie" lifestyle is looking more and more appealing each day

You can keep your drugs. I'm getting slizzard on life.

You're telling me a pro lapsed this anus?

Y'all think dogs know not to look at the sun?