the European commitment to sitting out side at a restaurant so they can smoke no matter the weather is astounding

Important things in the lifelong pursuit of cozy

In the clurb, listening to my two Taurus friends talk about the different varieties of cozy slippers

hate when marketing works on me. just saw an add for golden oreos and now that’s all I can think about 🥲

feel free to send me some anytime you need to practice

I’m your bitch wife’s bitch wife

I loved Collin Powell in spy kids 3d

what’s more cuntry than pubes?

I hardly know her!

I got my first “let’s circle back in the new year” email. praise the powers that be because I am checked the fuck out

I’m one more cute tiktok video away from getting a bunny

Should I try shouting “FAT” first?

have they never seen your disney villain bit? they should be scared

I’m still mourning the loss of daylight but at least it’s fuzzy sock season

it’s 10pm do you know where your zooboomafaoo is?

but it’s great to be greatful

every year on Thanksgiving I’m reminded how annoyed I am it’s spelled “grateful” and not “greatful”. greatful makes more sense. TO ME

1 vote for option one

your alt text is literature TO ME

a woman’s intuition always knows when a man gets his hand amputated

I returned my old phone to Verizon with 2 days to spare. everyone clap for me.

unless they’re into that in which case I want to deprive them

I think I should be allowed to spit on anyone that goes out on Halloween without a costume

how am I supposed to focus at work when it’s Halloween?

me scheduling a meeting next week: hey sorry my Monday morning is pretty booked. can we move this to Tuesday?

what’s actually on my calendar: being hungover from halloweekend

this is upsetting

I’m wearing men’s jeans I got at the thrift and goddamn this picked situation is incredible. I wish society didn’t hate women so we could have full sized pockets too.

how beautiful to see the lesbian bar playing SVU

the fly has followed me to a new room. goodbye everyone is was nice knowing you 🫡

Sabrina Carpenter performing at the VMAs. She’s looking over her shoulder and she’s wet.

me delivery a client terrible news at 4:19 pm on a Friday and closing my laptop for the weekend: