I’m not a misanthrope. I just hate people!

Statistics on today's "Connections", showing that out of a sample of 1 million games, the solve rate was 32%. This earned the puzzle the rating of "Exceptionally tricky" compared with recent "Connections". 7% of players solved the puzzle with no mistakes. Another 7% solved it with one mistake. 8% solved it with two mistakes. 10% solved it with three mistakes. A whopping 68% faced four mistakes, reaching the limit, and therefore could not solve the puzzle.

Connections: Zero mistakes. In your faces, losers! 😆

(Okay this was probably pure luck!)

[in jail]

GUY: We got just one rule: snitches get stitches

ME: Wow, this is better healthcare than my job

SPIDER: Why are you terrified by me?

ME: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk

Flour comes from a plant, sugar comes from a plant, and chocolate comes from a plant.

So, basically a chocolate chip cookie is a salad.

Thank you for coming to my
Ted talk

Missed you and your jokes!

BOSS: Lift with your knees, not your back

ME: [visualizing] I think I'll just lift with my hands thanks

Lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

Officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

Floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

What do you call your mom's angry French sister? A Croissant...

COP: Can you describe the intruder?

ME: He had a toe ring

COP: He was barefoot?

ME: No he had shoes, but I could just tell

[practicing comedy]

ME: What's the deal with palm trees?

AGENT: What the heck are you doing?

ME: You said to do tropical humor

AGENT: Topical. I said "topical"

ME: What's the deal with ointment?

Just saw that there's a nudist convention in town next week...
Might go if I've got nothing on.

That’s absolutely incredible!

Fear of belly buttons is called "Omphalophobia"

(I studied at the Navel Academy)

Lasers were a huge scientific breakthrough and now we use them to play with cats. Computers were also a huge scientific breakthrough and now we use them to look at pictures of cats. In other words, science was made for cats.

A picture of a cat. It says, “4 years ago lived in a bush and hunted my own meals. Now I have 2 passive incomes, my own house, & a personal chef. Follow me for more financial advice.”

#Caturday

Demonic looking chicken with a bow tie gives a sidelong glance at anyone passing him by. He also has a top hat which makes him very special.

I love my MILs house at Easter. Demonic Chickens (™️) are headlining

COWBOY: This town ain't big enough fer the both of us.

ARCHITECT: This is just the mockup. The actual town will be human-sized.

Modernize the "Cinderella" story by replacing the glass slipper with her Invisalign™

specimen — (noun) an Italian astronaut

[mass poisoning of football players]

DETECTIVE: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

CAPTAIN: This is no time for your astrology mumbo-jumbo!

ME: And in a way, that's what love is really all about: you seeing another person's butthole more than you've ever seen your own

PRIEST: And the bride has also written her own vows…

Prior to my vasectomy, I used other forms of birth control:

• Black socks with sandals
• Tighty-whiteys
• A man-bun

[The “Shark Tank” investing TV show]

ME: Ridiculously wide sunglasses

SHARK 1: I'm out

SHARK 2: I'm out

HAMMERHEAD SHARK: I'm listening

specimen — (noun) an Italian astronaut

18th‽ 🤯 I got some catching up to do!

Ahhh, interesting hypothesis … could be. I certainly feel a lot more comfy in my home studio.

Burgundy colored 2010 Honda CR-V loaded up after sale

Just sold my 2010 Honda CR-V for $8900

Although I suspect $7655 of that was just for the gas still in the tank

Peruvian owls always hunt in pairs

It's because they're Inca hoots

Re-listening to the "Leviathan Falls" audiobook (book 9 of "The Expanse") narrated by Jefferson Mays

And wincing again as he pronounces "causality" as "casualty"

But otherwise, he's amazing! His voicing and accents are on point

"Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out"

YOUNG WALDO: [whispering] Some day I'll prove you wrong