[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?

got fired from the casket-making factory. boss said i talked too much. that was the nail in my coffin. i just couldn’t put a lid on it. i made grave mistakes. ì

Chris Martin’s conscious uncoupling powers are growing. Stay vigilant

*quietly beatboxing as the cop reads me my rights

you: *saying words*
me: this is a lot

Be the reason he enters the witness protection program.

me: if you put the word "casual" in front of friday, you're leaving room for broad interpretation.

h.r.: you were wearing a wrestling singlet

Welcome to hell. Please take a leaf blower

My day has been so dreary and boring that Chris Martin wants to sing it.

This would never have happened at a Nickelback concert

i’m not seeing here in the constitution where it says every single day must be insane

[Looking at old photos]

I remember when that top used to fit me

If it weren't for spite, I'm not sure I'd do anything.

cops, do not read

to everyone else: i love crimes

I haven't been on here for a couple months and now I can't remember any of the material I thought of but I can tell you it was gold

Me: I don’t feel well.

Doctor: That’s because you’re alive.

It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma

[batman looking at bat signal]
I keep telling this guy to just text me

me: why don’t I have any matching socks?

wife: the washing machine keeps eating them

me: you must be using the vicious cycle

wife: I despise you

I would start a cult if it weren't for the paperwork.

I keep a log of all the trees I cut down.

Your secrets are safe with me because I really, really don’t care.

I wish my dog could articulate to me the joy he derives from me throwing a ball and him fetching it two hundred times in a row

Sure, make fun of my cargo pants but sooner or later you're going to need a cocktail shaker or a map of 11th century France.

I'm just one decent laminator away from owning a very convincing licence to kill.

Remember gents, today’s Women's Day is International which means you’re wrong on all 7 continents.

I think I've turned my life coach into an alcoholic

Trying to not use trigger words so instead of "walk the dog" I say "scooch the pooch."

I’ve only got myself to blame but where’s the fun in that?

NO ONE CARES HOW THE TIME CHANGE IS GOING TO AFFECT YOUR BABY.