thats true ;__; ty... i genuinely think it would be one of the most healing things i could ever do for myself too. maybe one day

i dont have any exes i resent though which is awesome i love when things can still work out in a different way

I hope my ex is DEAD, I hope old friends who i outgrown are DEAD, I hope everyone who has done me dirty has DIED, Anybody i hurt, hope you're DYING, Forgiveness is DEAD. I'm ready for some serious blessings this year.

this basically

i also swing wildly between "everything is my fault" and "everybody who has ever hurt me needs to die" and i need to find a middle

it always just feels like a silly expense to invest in...

this was like. really nothing in comparison to pretending to try to murder me as a prank but it still made me sad probably to still want a dollshouse after all these years. id make it so pretty!

on a different but related note one of the things my brother did when i was growing up that i recall was that he threw my dollhouse down the stairs and ever since we've had a yearning to have a dollshouse again but they're so expensive...

it's easier to dismiss smaller things when your boundaries + safety have been violated in such an insane way in the past that you're like Well this is a 6 out of 10 at MOST

by people i mean me i need to stop like. diminishing things that happen to me but it's hard because my scale for Badness is distorted by the results i have experienced in life

i wish more people understood that an incident can "feel normal" because your sense of like... what boundaries you're allowed to have in life are severely fucked by the amount of insane shit that has happened to you or been done to you

i struggle to talk to people atm because i feel like as soon as i do people can inherently see how gross i am inside and out i'm really sorry if i stopped reaching out to you as much the love is still there :(

it's hard to post here because it's so public but honestly i can just block weirdos it's no biggie

sorry to be a downer the reason i havent really been posting is because im very sad but i love you guys very much and i hope i will be happy again soon i miss talking to everybody and having fun

ah bluesky decided to crap out right when i needed to be listened to. sure. i'm probably just gonna go to bed...

idk why my replies arent showing up on the timeline? weird. whatever

i think people really diminish the impact of alcohol but i know people who cant get out of bed in the morning unless they have a drink. who are never sober. it hurts my heart

addiction is so scary and cold and evil and everybody needs to remember it doesn't take a specific kind of person to be dragged into it. it's not like something you're 100% gonna avoid if you're not peer pressured into it. it could happen to anyone in the wrong place or the wrong time or both

knowing that a loved one is fully in addiction and is probably going to die from it one day makes me feel so full of dread and sadness

ty asmo ;;

goodnight :) i hope tomorrow will be kinder

lol sorry i feel like i sound like i'm trying to like. write pretentious poetry or something i think talking like this helps me feel detached enough to talk about it in the first place. i hope this is okay

sometimes i think about how agonising the things i remember are and i feel like i'm going to throw up when i think that that's just what i remember. i've felt at times when i'm about to touch on something i didn't remember only to be unable to reach it. sometimes i'm scared of what i will find

i could never ever hate any of my alters because many of them have protected me from knowledge that could stop me from functioning on a daily basis nor can i wish they were gone. nor do i want to wish they were gone. i do wish i didn't have to hear this constant stream though

if it is a persecutor i feel like i'm obligated to feel compassion rather than resentment because persecutors have often been through so much and are suffering also but i deserve to feel happy and safe in my head

i honestly don't know if i have a persecutor i'm unaware of or i'm just very very mean to myself but it feels like whenever i'm doing particularly bad i have a very volatile cruel voice in the back of my head 24/7 that i can't turn off or control and whatever the cause it makes me very sad

i'm going to try to get some sleep...

i feel like there's just. so much i want to forget and not think about that it just like becomes that door i forget exists because i won't look at it. i'm not even going to end this with a joke i just feel sad about what i've had to endure. tomorrow will be a new day but now i will be sad

thinking about the first episode of dr who with matt smith which is an embarrassing like. segue into talking about ptsd but its that like. concept. of a door in your house you don't know is there and you need to force yourself to look at it to know it's there. and then you're like oh my god?

i try not to vent on here but honestly i just want to know somebody can hear me even if they can't fix what i'm feeling

i don't often get the feeling that my body doesn't belong to me i honestly get something else (i vividly feel that my body belongs to me and i really really wish it didn't)