The Onion has successfully bought InfoWars. Happy 4/20. 😂

Join The Onion Don’t just read the news. Feel it. Be among the first to feel the news.

For fuck's sake, sign up for The Onion, and get a free limited edition IW tote.

A share of merch sales will go to the Sandy Hook families, which will be the first time they get any money since they filed this lawsuit eight years ago.

Legal fees have been insane. Please sign up and help us out!

What a weird timeline. I still think the weasel that got into the large hadron collider in 2016 thrust us into an alternate universe.

"That numbness? That's what protects him."

Don't forget about the time he thought people here on a visa got free Visa credit cards.

One of our (many) problems in America is elites unwilling to acknowledge self-evident realities, and then apologizing if they ever acknowledge one by accident

“Don’t believe your lying eyes”—the Trump administration pushes a reality that doesn’t match what Americans are feeling at the pump or seeing in the courts. Meanwhile, efforts to rewrite January 6th are sparking outrage on Capitol Hill. Scott MacFarlane has it all in his evening report.

BREAKING: Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard has sent criminal referrals to the DOJ involving the former inspector general and whistleblower tied to the first Trump impeachment.
www.ms.now/news/gabbard...

Former MAGA Influencer Admits: It’s All for Money Do pro-Trump influencers actually believe what they’re peddling, or is it simply grift? Plus, did AI lead to a media newsletter fabricating quotes, and a progressive candidate in NJ gets ‘Loomered.’

NEW in tonight's Ragebait:

Ashley St. Clair, the former far-right influencer and Elon Musk baby mama, pulled back the curtain recently to expose the underground coordination operation between GOP consultants and MAGA grifters.

zeteo.com/p/former-mag...

Kegsbreath said so! No vermouth!

Remember when the government wanted to lower teen pregnancy rates?

The White House circus adds a new act: Trump claims diet soda fights cancer because it “kills grass.” And Dr. Oz is apparently nodding along. If this is what passes for health advice now, US nutritional policy is being written by infomercials and madness.

(Somehow, he’s making money off of this.)

Baggy clothes next best thing to nudity, say autistics Some autistic people have succeeded in wearing clothes without having clothes anywhere near them, sources have confirmed.  The revolutionary new style reportedly allows autistic people to feel as…

The revolutionary new style reportedly allows autistic people to feel as free as they day they were born, without immediately losing their actual freedom on a public indecency charge.

If you wonder about using the word "impeachment" or the impeachment process, remember it's virtually the only carve out in the Constitution on the president's pardon powers. Holding his cabinet accountable through impeachment is key step to cleaning up this mess & ensuring it doesn't happen again.

The only way to get a sense of how detached from reality and full of shit our president is now is to watch a full interview- unfortunately most people would rather claw their eyes out, understandably.

Vance Says the Pope Should Be More Careful When Talking About Theology

First Trump depicts himself as Jesus and now JD Vance tells the Pope to "be more careful when talking about theology."

The anti-Christ vibe in the Trump Administration is off the scale.

despite all the efforts of certain press outlets who have been doing their best for him

Candace banging on JD’s crowd size — and not buying Erika Kirk’s excuse for no-showing, pointing out if security was really the issue the Vice President of the United States would’ve also canceled

Strong political parties that bend the rules to entrench their power and succumb to corruption are a consistent feature of democracy qua democracy. And if your entrenched ruling party can lose everything in a wave election, you are not living in an authoritarian state.

Nope. Nope. Nope. This post is just two false statements.

They. Have. Had. The. Keys. For. Nearly. 16. Months.

SIXTEEN. MONTHS.

If anything? It shows that whatever problems they're blaming on Biden? They haven't been able to solve in nearly a year & a half. Unapologetic dry snitching if so. Diabolical admittance of incompetence even...

I suspect the Pope sounds "woke" to many Christian conservatives because the US is steeped in prosperity theology, where the point of worship is to deliver health and wealth to believers. Thus, "feed the hungry" and "show mercy for the poor" sounds needlessly political and "woke."

U.S. intelligence indicates China is  preparing ​to deliver new air defense systems ‌to Iran  within the next few weeks,  CNN reported citing three people familiar with recent intelligence assessments.

Disappointed, though not surprised, I began to describe various life- saving components of USAID’s global health portfolio, highlighting how we prepare for and respond to emerging pandemic threats; support the diagnosis and treatment of tuberculosis, malaria, and HIV; and immunize millions of children from the deadliest childhood diseases. I spoke for about five minutes, focusing primarily on our infectious diseases work and hoping to keep the attention of people who seemed to have no experience—or interest—in global health. When I finished, the room was silent, the political appointees looking at one another in what appeared to be disbelief. The silence was broken by Ken Jackson, who chuckled softly and shook his head. “Wow, there really is so much that USAID does that we never knew,” he said. “This is the story that needs to get out there.” Joel, also smiling, chimed in next, echoing Jackson’s amazement. “I had no idea you did all this,” he said. “As a Republican, when I think of what USAID does in global health, I assumed it was just, you know, abortions.”

This is NUTS

www.thehandbasket.co/p/trump-usai...

🏆 you definitely deserve this. 😂

She just can’t win.

DOJ fires attorneys who prosecuted anti-abortion protestors under Biden The Justice Department is set to release a report Tuesday accusing prosecutors of targeting protesters for their religious beliefs.

At least four Justice Department prosecutors have recently been fired as part of the Trump admin's plan to publicly accuse the Biden admin of unfairly targeting anti-abortion protesters for their religious beliefs, according to two people familiar with the firings and a Justice Dept. spokesperson.

Whistleblower says Trump officials thought USAID did 'just abortions,' asked for 'Barney-style' slides before gutting agency, per new book Read an exclusive excerpt from Nicholas Enrich's "Into the Wood Chipper"

NEW—I got an exclusive excerpt from a USAID whistleblower's new book that made me gasp multiple times. It details Trump's dismantling of the humanitarian aid agency & his team/DOGE's shocking ignorance to public health.

'Into the Wood Chipper' by Nicholas Enrich is out tomorrow. Read excerpt here:

Ctrl+C Ctrl+V

Was not expecting this. Gonzales will also resign from Congress.

good day for resignations

mr president