I mean if it tastes good…

Fuck Fat Caramel Corn doesn’t sound as delicious but it is what my autocorrect desires I guess.

Not sure what 2am Sunday me was thinking door dashing club sandwiches, mozzarella sticks, tots and fries, and then falling asleep before eating any of it, but 12:30pm Sunday me is super stoked.

FOX News: Trey Yingst reporting live from Tel Aviv as bombs breach the Iron Dome

Me: Trey Yingst reporting live from my bed amirite

Everyone: WTF is wrong with you.

As the dogs and bees continued their attack, I tried in vain to remember my favorite things.

Can’t cause The Boys Are Back in Town

Me: I’m so sleepy
My Brain: How did the first person know to drink water?

I’m just over here making last calls to my loved ones before hopping into a driverless uber

Pilot: Sorry we had to abort the landing folks, we’re going to come around again now. I don’t think we have any injuries.

Me: Excuse me, my entire uterus fell out of my body.

Me after therapy: Did I talk about my problems too much?

Oh glorious death!

I cried and was so proud!

I’m just over here checking my voicemail transcriptions.

“Hey Clay…”
“Hi Clarkview…”
“Hello Tina…”
“Hi Chris…”

My name is Clythie. Or Doodlebug. But that’s another story.

I’m just trying to figure out which of my personalities will be attending therapy today.

It’s good and nice.

I've had Romeo's Dr Pepper jingle stuck in my head for 8 business days

My trainer: When you start to get tired, it’s time to work.

Me: No wait I think it’s “When you start to get tired, it’s time to nap.”

My trainer: Yeah that’s not it

Me: Agree to disagree? And is there a nap room in this gym?

Long story short, making the office coffee with vodka is frowned upon by HR, but morale did improve.

When I die, I’m donating my body to my wife in case she wants to do something with it

I’m not funny enough, I’m not hot enough, but dammit a couple of people like me.

I hear Air Force one was just actually over weight limit. Nobody knows why….

Whatever doesn't kill you will probably try again soon.

Smart toilets will be the first to turn on humanity because they've seen some shit.

Me: I’m sorry what part are you confused about?

Interviewer: Well, the position is for an accountant and you just described yourself as a reader, writer, circus freak.

A camel stands, strapped to the bed of a white pickup truck on a highway.

I quit smoking thirteen years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel while I’m driving.

Whenever I feel homesick I go into a dive bar.

This skeet contains triple collagen peptides for a more youthful appearance.

Went out without my phone today, like some sort of time traveler.

86 Monte Carlo SS

My pizza guy pulled up in one of these

In the summer, I planted lettuce and cabbage for the bunnies. They didn’t eat it, but it grew huge and when the fall arrived, I just left it. Then the snow fell and covered it. And guess who’s interested now? Little bunny tracks leading all up to it and scraps of lettuce in the yard. I am a grocer.