Was talking to my buddy about how much 4/20 means to me when I realized I was actually speaking with the cookie jar in my kitchen.

a man wearing a shirt that says the ruler Alt: WWE's Oba Femi doing his signature bouncy strut down the aisle.

Walking into the Chinese buffet like-

I'm not funny enough to get punched by Will Smith.

There has been a distinct lack of jigginess since the events of 9/11.

Posh Italians in the back room of a swanky nightclub, chopping up lines of parmesan cheese and snorting it.

Jimmy Buffett is what happens when a man fucks a coconut.

Feel Like A Number YouTube video by Bob Seger - Topic

Bob Seger did better than merely "think."
youtu.be/XA1LJ3blITU?...

*walking into Howie Mandel's house, seeing an elaborate candlestick with several candles on it*

Whoa... a Mandelabra

I thought "period poops" were poops you take while dressed in Regency costumes or something.

Curious that the brittle field of cuisine stopped developing with peanuts. No almond brittle, pecan brittle, garbanzo brittle, etc.

Sadly, for those who struggle with bipolar disorder, Wrestlemania can be followed soon after by Wrestledepression.

BREAKING: The Strokes have been murdered by the CIA.

accents are funny it’s like how tf does your voice know where you were born?

tsa agent: sorry, you can only board with 3.4 oz of liquid or less.

me: ok, just toss it out then.

Kool Aid Man: *dressed in tommy bahama* babe what

Sorry I called piss "used soda."

Always hearing the term "overzealous," yet I never hear about anyone being underzealous. That's gonna be me. I'm feeling underzealous. About everything.

I don't like it when they show the muppets' legs.

Grogu got in the trash and ate some chocolate and he died

if they put me in charge of high school i would rename valedictorian to “dorkwad of the year”

the boys are back in town and you can tell bc all the cupboard doors have been left open

Sorry I yelled "sakes alive!" when I came.

There has been a distinct lack of jigginess since the events of 9/11.

watching paint dry is actually pretty fun if you’re in a small room with no ventilation

A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless the medicine is an insulin shot.

Randy Orton coming out of nowhere to RKO a moose drinking from a mountain stream.

Need you to generate 100 clones of yourself to create accounts that will boost my Dumas/Dumbass jokes.

Discovery Channel not particularly receptive to my pitch for a Deadliest Catch spin-off where all the fishermen are juggalos.

Ah, the three musketeers: Athos, Porthos, Barbados.

I felt barely contained inside my body, calmly floating down a tunnel toward a brilliant, beckoning light. Then, a gentle voice said, "It's not your time yet. You have much left to do." Suddenly, I was back in my body on the physical plane, aware that it was a false alarm- I hadn't actually sharted.

Paleguy here. Tired of us melanin-deficient types being discriminated against by famous, wealthy actresses who won't marry us and bear our pasty seed.