Please do not April fools me tomorrow I am too fragile I might bleat like a goat

They named a moving company after what I shout at the height of ecstasy

I’m a Pangea nostalgist. Put it back together

(explaining war to a conservative in a way that they might understand) bombing a country is kind of like changing their cracker barrel logo

doctor: your blood glucose is over 800

cookie monster: is that bad

doctor: sir it's deadly

Cookie Monster: (softly) me want cookie

It’s not here yet… get sluttier

Tonight I am making space to be grateful for all the nights I DIDN’T find a centipede in my bed

mom come get me the world is being callous toward my tender heart

Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.

Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.

[painstakingly transferring my bodily waste to the sink]

If an evil mastermind asked me to do their bidding I’d probably do it, I just like being helpful

Yeah I'm making a BLT... a Bird-Like Tweedle! I'm whistling baby

Mensa level

oh HELL YEAH BABY

No son, they are not "magically delicious." The workers made them delicious. This is a slogan meant to mystify the social conditions of labor

@amfmpm.bsky.social hey man any chance we can get some heathcliff and Cathy shirts to wear to the movie?

Highlighting the speaker who stood in front of the Surprise mayor and told him to consider what the Mayor of Ohrdruf must’ve thought before he died by suicide: “He might have thought ‘how is this my fault I had no jurisdiction over this’ maybe he said ‘this site was not subject to local zoning.’”

Sometimes it’s hard to accept that a person is bad because they are so beautiful on the outside

Let the dough rest for 12-24 hours. I am the dough.

Whole crowd started booing when Samson put the loincloth on lmao

saw a group of scientists looking at my posts and they were all nodding their heads emphatically

idk maybe just ride out the electrical issue and see how it goes, keep it casual

Business idea: take a nap

Every movie should have the subtitle The Bone Temple
For example, When Harry Met Sally: The Bone Temple

"It wasn't murder, and if you say it was murder we will kill you, which again will not be murder."

[looking at paintings from a Renaissance master] wow my man sure could do it

"what are we going to do with 20,000 ICE agents if we abolish ice" well to start with I think we should all literally spit on them in public for the rest of their lives

I regret to inform you that my parents have somehow bought a new TiVo

[beaver dad picking out a Christmas tree with the Home Depot clerk] so which one would you say is the most delicious

She got me