No but it’s an honor to hear that 😇

Last night I was visited by the Ghosts of Valentine’s Day Past, Present, and Future.
The Ghost of Valentine’s Day Present kept pressuring me to try whippets while the Ghosts of Valentine’s Day Past and Future jacked each other off on my couch.

I’m getting tired of all these lame months like Dry January and No Nut November. We need to balance things out with some cool alternatives like Fuck Me February, Jelqmaxxing July, and Overdose October.

Alvin is a Soviet agent but Dave is a true American. That’s why Dave owns him; it’s a symbol of American empowerment.

The reason that TikTok came back is that it was purchased by Dave from Alvin and the Chipmunks, a real American. The only notable change to the platform is that anyone who gets more followers than Alvin will be put on a hit list.

Birthday card from Dad: Happy Birthday, Champ. Hope it’s a great one!

Birthday card from Grandma: Happy Birthday, Grandson! May the next year be filled with blessings.

Birthday card from Uncle Zappy: I buried a body and a sack of gold 30 miles outside of Santa Fe, New Mexico.

In the summer of 2015 I met Bigfoot in the Oregon woods. He was mostly a pretty chill guy but when I asked him what he thought about abortion he fractured my shin with a log.

At the farmers market:

Guy to his gf: I think I will love you forever.

Woman shopping at the flower booth: I’ll take 2 dozen roses please.

Guy running the piss cart: $3 for a cup of the yellow kind.

If you go to Rocky’s Pizzeria in Tucson, Arizona and ask to see the secret menu they’ll take you down to the basement and show you the collection of caged mutants that they harvest meat from

The doctor who’s sticking a tiny camera up my pee hole: Here’s what it looks like inside your urethra.

Me: Interesting. So what kind of core is this?

Using my paternity leave to travel to Alaska and start a dog sledding team while my wife stays home and bonds with our newborn twins.

Large, flightless, South American bird at the doctor: What can you tell me, doc?

Doctor reading STD test results: You’re a goner, rhea.

On a date with an electrical outlet:

Me: I’ll have the steak, rare.

Waiter: Excellent choice, sir. And for the lady?

Me: She’ll just take a fork, thank you.

Tips for cooking for a girl:

-Tell her you’re making pepper pie.

-If she asks what kind of pepper, tell her you don’t know what that means.

-Ask if she wants wine or milk.

-If she asks for wine, tell her that you don’t have any but that the milk is just as good.

Bartender: The end of the world will be signaled by the call of two birds: a glistening white dove and a crow enshrouded in shadows. When you hear their sound, a time of unfathomable destruction will soon be upon us.

Me: ok. I would like a vodka soda.

At the aquarium:

Me: Look at all the fish. Which type is your favorite?

My wife: I love the angelfish. They’re so pretty.

Staff Member Stevie: Look how many pufferfish I can juggle at once.

As a kid I thought the scariest part of going to the circus was when the seal trainer pulled out a Glock and shot two audience members

At a tea party with my daughter and her friends secretly sipping lean out of my teacup. No wonder the guy with the hat enjoyed this shit so much

You’re telling me a shrimp stroked off this beef?

At Burger King with the man I met in the desert. I’m sipping on a chocolate shake while he pulls a baggie of soil out of his trousers and sprinkles some on his burger. He calls it bobcat style

The Amazon delivery boy: How many tire irons are you going to order?
Me: 😏

The hardest thing about dating a utilitarian is preventing her from killing your elderly grandfather and giving his organs to homeless people

Playing throw and catch with my son and he’s begging me to stop drinking while we play. He doesn’t seem to understand that my hands will shake too bad to catch the ball otherwise

Nobody gives out partridges anymore. The past two years the pear trees that I’ve received have been filled with waterfowl

Goals for 2025:
-Learn 3 dead languages.
-Box a kangaroo (and win).
-Eat a cantaloupe.
-Get rabies (asymptomatic).
-Have a mannequin fall in love with me.
-Find out what Great Britain is.
-Obtain a key to the city of Omaha.

The best part of going to Waffle House is when the waiter touches you in your deep spot.

If it were illegal for ventriloquists to fall in love with their puppets, I wouldn’t be in prison but let’s just say that I probably would have ended up in small claims court once or twice.