BREAKING: A new poll found that 93% of Americans approve of Democrats releasing all the Epstein Files on day one of the next Congress, and confiscating the wealth of every criminal in the Epstein Files to pay off the debt or expand healthcare access.
BREAKING: Military officials say that Donald Trump is kept out of the room during high-risk missions because he "has lost all sphincter control," and the smell is too distracting to everyone monitoring the operation.
BREAKING: A major prediction market is currently betting Kash Patel has a 98% chance of dropping his lawsuit against The Atlantic before the discovery phase begins.
BREAKING: Several Republicans in Congress have reportedly told Donald Trump that Kash Patel has to go or Congress will embarrass them both by voting with Democrats to impeach Patel and block any replacement until Trump nominates someone who acts like a serious adult.
BREAKING: Kash Patel has yet to file his lawsuit against The Atlantic today like he vowed, a bad hangover is the suspected reason.
BREAKING: The FBI reportedly installed a breathalyzer lock system on the door of Kash Patel's office.
BREAKING: No Republican can explain how trust fund nepo baby Jared Kushner, rich from billions in influence-peddling bribes solicited from Gulf dictators, sabotaging peace with Iran after scheming secret war plans with Israel outside the State Department isn't "textbook treason."
BREAKING: Kash Patel is reportedly freaking out because he knows too much about the Epstein Files to be fired, but is too incompetent to stay, and his drinking to cope with his coverup complicity makes him too big a risk for the rich, powerful pedophiles to not “take care of.”
BREAKING: Kash Patel reportedly believes today went good for him.
BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly going to make JD Vance choose between MAGA and the Catholic Church.
BREAKING: The Nobel Prize Committee is reportedly considering giving Pope Leo the Peace Prize to make Trump so mad he has a brain aneurysm because nothing would so quickly make the world a more peaceful place.
BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly afraid to have a Bible in the same room as him since he started feuding with the Pope.
BREAKING: Donald Trump reportedly told Karoline Leavitt to stop wearing her cross necklace to show loyalty to him over the Pope.
BREAKING: Top Trump staffers have reportedly given him a big architect play set so he can design various monuments to himself all day while they deescalate the Strait of Hormuz crisis before Trump orders the military into a pyrrhic invasion of Iran that wrecks the global economy.
BREAKING: A disillusioned White House staffer says Americans would be "shocked" to learn how many hours every day Donald Trump spends watching AI slop videos of himself on Truth Social posted by bots depicting him as a superhero, Air Force pilot, Army general, dictator, or Jesus.
BREAKING: A new global poll found that 93% of Catholics outside the US want JD Vance to convert back to Evangelicalism and never try to mansplain Catholicism to the Pope ever again.
BREAKING: Top GOP officials are reportedly worried the Trump presidency will end in a Jonestown-style tragedy.
BREAKING: A top Vatican official says Pope Leo XIV is a big fan of JD Vance memes, and texts them daily to several group chats he has with various cardinals and bishops accompanied by numerous laughing emojis.
BREAKING: After feuding for days with Pope Leo XIV, Donald Trump is reportedly threatening to demand all his Catholic fans start a "MAGA Reformation," renounce the Vatican, and start a competing branch of "American Catholicism" with its own US-based Pope that he wants to appoint.
BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly demanding JD Vance switch religions again after feuding with the Pope.
BREAKING: Top Republican officials are worrying Donald Trump, JD Vance, the Iran War, and all the needlessly cruel incompetence from the Trump Administration will result in midterm results that make Hungary's election look like it was close.
BREAKING: Iranian officials are reportedly close to refusing any more negotiations with Donald Trump until after Congress forces him to take a mental fitness test and releases the results publicly.
BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly beginning to worry for the first time in his presidency that history will remember him as a failure president.
BREAKING: The viral “Dictator Smasher” cocktail everyone is drinking in Budapest to celebrate Orban’s defeat is made with 1.5 ounces sweet vermouth, 1.5 ounces Ukrainian vodka, and a dash of orange bitters to honor Hungarians telling Putin, Trump, and Vance to go f*ck themselves.
BREAKING: White House staffers are reportedly "freaking out" about the growing, increasingly bipartisan effort in Congress to have Donald Trump (and all presidents after him) publicly take a mental fitness test.
This isn't comedy, but I just can't fathom how Mike Johnson was plucked from obscurity to the 3rd most powerful office in the world, yet happily exerts virtually no influence upon events with bare minimum, placeholding legislation—a politically self-cucked bystander to history.
BREAKING: A group of "radical gay" hedge fund managers reportedly wants to invest $20 million into TMZ's new D.C. bureau to spy on every Republican who has voted against LGBTQ rights to "once and for all find and out every self-hating coward sabotaging freedom for everyone else."
BREAKING: A massively viral sweet vermouth cocktail now being served at bars everywhere in Hungary is called a “Thank You, JD” in honor of his presence in Budapest repulsing the Hungarian people so much that Viktor Orban lost in a landslide.
BREAKING: TMZ's new editorial pivot to spying on Congress and outing all the hypocrites and sex offenders is the highest-rated corporate rebrand in the history of business polling.
