Pirates gonna pirate.

Looks... umm... crabby?

Are there lasers? We need lasers. Invisible ones!

A little girl feeding ducks by a pond.

The day the power of love overrules the love of power, the world will know peace. Until then, come and feed the ducks.

So, it's the Department of Operations now?

Nirvanna: The Band: The Show: The Movie is the closest thing we are ever going to get to an adaptation of Chrono Trigger and I am perfectly happy with that

BREAKING: The United Nations has voted 123-3 in favor to condemn the enslavement of millions of Africans and the trans-Atlantic slave trade. The three countries voting against it? 🇺🇸 USA 🇮🇱Israel 🇦🇷 Argentina Nearly all of Europe abstained.

Parody is no longer possible.

i swear if we had social media in the past people would call the hippie and punk movements 'cancel culture' too. LARGE GROUPS OF PEOPLE MOBILIZING AGAINST THE THINGS THAT HURT THEM IS NOT NEW. SORRY BUD IT IS NOT SOME GEN Z FAD IF YOU SUPPORT HATE THINGS AND FOLKS DONT WANT TO BUY YOUR STUFF ANYMORE

The sun's plenty dense as it is. Throwing someone even more dense into it would probably create a singularity.

Every once in a while, you start to think humanity's greatest accomplishments are well behind us as we trundle our way into blissful mediocrity.

And then, POW! RIGHT IN THE MOUTH! A FUCKING CURE FOR SICKLE-CELL!

This is huge.

Jesus, they weren’t bloody joking.

Sir, would you like a job in the exciting United States' government?

Same. On the plus side, I haven't refreshed my phone's weather app, so it's a sunny 68 degrees here in Henderson, NV, where it's always 8:05 in the morning!

I thought i used every excuse to get out of shoveling, but leave it to a dumbfuck from Alabama to prove me wrong.

Sorry but a lot of us have been here since this was just one big disaster queer house party and that's still how we exist here. This isn't high school speech and debate club. "Are you going to respond to my arguments?" Bitch, no. I'm hanging with my mates and we are goofing off and having fun.

It's almost as if there's a difference between saying you won a war, and actually, you know, winning a war.

A package of grape flavored Red Vines and a package of black licorice flavored Red Vines.

Inside of me are two wolves..

It wasn't a mistake. It rarely ever is.

Everyone: It's a 24 hour drive away! We'll be mad at you if you don't get a hotel and try driving it all.

Me: [tearing up Nevada 93 at 100mph in a '09 Toyota Corolla with cars passing me]. If you're already mad at me for not sleeping, wait'll I tell you what I'm doing now!

Sign outside a Dunkin express that says Grab & Go.

In my defense, officer, it doesn't say Grab, PAY & Go.

Just saw a dude younger than me wearing a fanny pack. Fetch my blade, Sword Boy!

Two sneakered feet crossed in front of an empty black chair in an airport terminal.

Harry Reid, I am in you.

err... Harry Reid International Airport... I'M IN THE AIRPORT OKAY CHERYL!

Beige stucco building with blue letters reading "WCE Wound Care Experts."

On the way to the airport..

Like all good things, it started a month ago in Omaha, Nebraska. I've been finding these bags in strange places around the house ever since. My flight attendant friend has steadfastly denied any knowledge or involvement.

Right? I didn't even upgrade to "legroom." I did not deserve these nuts.

Vengeance will be mine though. My gnomes are legion. The goblin menace will be undone!

Then... cupcakes.

Found a bag of airline pistachios in my laptop satchel on my way to the airport.

It just doesn't end... *weeping*

The Onion

This is such a dogshit thing to say but notice how much of a coward he is to immediately go oh gosh oh golly when the reporter asks what he means by that. Can’t even have the courage of his dirtbag convictions, an insult to all men who wear shorts and hoodies in the winter. We reject him.