Thank you. You’re officially the first and probably only ever bluesky person to come to a tour show.they’re not really my usual demographic.

This Jack in the Box from Temu is awful. Doesn’t surprise me.

When it comes to avoiding lazy stereotypes about Liverpool I’d give myself an A.

…A, A, calm down, calm down.

I used to have a terrible phobia I was being followed by a clown but l now I can look back and laugh.

Conditioner but for headphones.

The vet says I’ve got to learn how to express my dog’s anal glans so I’ve signed up for a course in interpretive dance.

I studied gestation in pachyderms but it was really as hard as no one wanted to talk about the elephant in the womb.

I’ll never forget when during biology lessons we had Sex Ed or, using the proper name, Sexy Edward.

They shouldn’t have numbers on either . I’ll have word with the promoter.

My favourite thing about glamping is glaving a shit in a bucket.

It’s counter productive to rind the same clip that much. There’s supposed to be a bunch of them.

Ah. Social median companies don’t let people see my posts about the tour any more so we’re having to spend a future on ads instead. Sorry if it’s too much.

My grandad loved to tickle the ivories unfortunately he got trampled to death by an elephant.

Aprils Fool’s day is great. Grandad really believes that I’m coming to collect him at the hospital.

Nah. That’s fair enough.

Mom always tried to kill people with kindness for example she gave home made jams and cakes to our difficult neighbour until eventually he developed type 2 diabetes

I’m a huge football fan. I find them much easier to kick.

I’ll never forget that time at school when we had sex ed, or to use the proper name, Sexy Edward.

To a one-eyed optometrist the glasses are half-full.

Last night I got absolutely shit-faced. Not on purpose, my glass coffee table broke.

People say I’m unimaginative with my comebacks but actually they’re unimaginative with their comebacks.

Hairdressers always ask where you’re going on holiday but travel agents never ask when you’re next getting a haircut.

When a man shaves his pubes it’s called manscaping unless he’s lying down in which case it’s called mortraiting.

Nan was very passive aggressive. She wanted her ashes spread on the path outside her house as she’d still be alive if the council had gritted it properly.

Everyone said I’d make a terrible plastic surgeon but soon they were laughing on the other side of their face.

How did I know they’d cast me as Quasimodo in the school play? Let’s just say I had a hunch.

Some people just don’t feel comfortable in their own skin, for example serial killers.

Writing the story of Goldilocks.
How many bears does this really need?

4? No, too many….

Why can’t we teach centipedes to Riverdance yet? Come on, Science!

invention: happy mothers day
necessity: thanks