A Latine twunk would fix me

Straight cock got me wishing I could add a diagonal line to my Y chromosome

God really snapped when he invented Brazilian men

*roasts a dry-brined, beautifully-trussed chicken*
"Alexa, play Troye Sivan's 'Angel Baby'"
*pours some cheap Pinot Noir*
*Looks so hard into his eyes that his soul feels suddenly naked*
*Smacks a Chinese cleaver into the thigh*
"So are you a breast man or an ass man?"

He sends me skeets at 3:46am he's the love of my life

Getting a drunk text from your crush is the 30s equivalent of walking into the Scholastic Book Fair

I need someone Lucille Balls deep in me like give me that Ricky Ricardo backshot baby

I love when I'm whisking something vigorously and my balls bounce around

You ever feel like the Beast when you finally give up on your unattainable crush and wish them the best life right before the last enchanted rose petal falls off and then howl on the battlements of your castle as they gallop away on horseback into a wolf-infested forest to save their insane father?

Dickensian gay porno where the top is named Ebensqueezer Splooge and the haunting bottom is Cake-ob Marley

[To the tune of "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch"] I wouldn't FUCK you with a...38 and a half foot SCHLONNNNGG! *doo doodley DOO doo*

*show runs out of episodes* alright, back to my usual sorrow now

Oh no! I've succumbed to my strange and disastrous compulsions!

Eating 5 pizzas and jacking off to gay porn all by yourself handsome?

Cauldron coded and witch maxxing

Toiling all by yourself handsome?

I'm basically that little moth that Gandalf whispered crazy shit to on the top of Isengard

If there comes a relationship where you no longer feel like the Frodo but the Samwise Gamgee you should hang on for dear life

I was in the 0.01% fans of having an unhealthy obsession with you

Listening to Animal Collective and having a flashback of throwing up under a porch

Oh no! The general theme of my life in this era is making irrevocable and calamitous decisions!

Calculating the socially necessary labor time that went into this bunch of bananas all by yourself handsome?

All of my love letters are ransom note coded

I'm not just down bad, bro. I'm down villainous. I'm down delinquent. Down nefarious.

At this point I'm basically that tragic Florentine maiden who threatens to hurl herself into the Arno if he doesn't put a ring on it

Initiating a coven on the stormy heath all by yourself handsome?

Woah bro you just proved you were marriage material and all's I've got's a cock ring

I want to make out with a guy whose face is as angular as a Russian villain on Goldeneye 64

Wow Napoleon really popped off when he dissolved The Most Serene Republic of Venice

Contemplating the dictatorship of the proletariat all by yourself handsome?