stupid teeth none of my other bones need this much minty scrubbing

This movie better have a monster in it and not just some reclusive asshole with long finger nails.

huffing spray adhesive at work AMA

My therapist challenged me to a sword fight

“My name is Inigo Montoya, you hate your father, prepare to heal.”

When Trump dies and people celebrate that fact, show this to anyone who complains.

All three of these names are the same

Pyle Buck as Denver
Denver Buck as Pyle
Buck Pyle as Denver
Buck Denver as Pyle
Pyle Denver as Buck

They all work

george lucas saying “still think trade route disputes are a stupid plot point bitch?”

you know an unwatched documentary on the battle of Stalingrad hate to see him coming

charlie from always sunny with a bandage on his nose and hood up snarling at the camera

pov: we lock eyes walking down the street

Blankets
Holly Farrell
2018

Ear doctor: Don’t use Q-Tips
Me already imagining putting a screw driver I found in the driveway in my ear when I get home: I womt

low battery mode but for my brain

You are enough. We don't need more of you.

*cartwheels in*

Whoa, wrong joke format.

*cartwheels out*

It’s alright, I work down there at a research station with about 12 of my boys and a few dogs and we’re gonna check it out

Now

If I had an enchanted sword, I would be really smug about people with regular swords

What if Sex and the City was Terry Bradshaw instead of Carrie Bradshaw

we had joy
we had fun
we had mumford and his sons
but the songs
that they sang
were just banjos that went twang

(slamming fists on the table) WHERE WAS GONDOR ON THE NIGHT OF THE THIRD??

Need a W so bad I’m eating M&Ms upside down

You’re either dancing to disco in the hospital elevator with me or against me

The final Calvin and Hobbes, which appeared in papers 30 years ago today.

Harry confessing his love to Sally at the end of When Harry Met Sally. “I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”

Who up forgetting they auld acquaintance

Coming out of a bagel place in NYC, was about to dig in to my toasted sesame and cream cheese but some guy roughly snatched it from my hand and took a big bite, then walked away backwards, giving me the finger as he wolfed down the rest (disgustingly). As you probably guessed, it was Kevin Costner.

cowboy who stubbed his toe: