please read books

I am alive

I partake

Happy Friday the 13th to those who partake

With inflation where it's at these days, it's crazy that it still costs absolutely nothing to not be a chode. #lifehack

Just yelling YOU CAN FIND ME IN THE CLUB every time I leave the house now

Went out and got a hairs cut, feel like a new man

Who's a handsome boy with that mashed potato hair?

Dr. Trivago

Yeah, well my guys are playing in the Randy Sausages Akimbo Bowl

Make the yuletide gay, my guy

All I want for Christmas is to go to bed, not get woken up overnight, and sleep past 6am. I will not get my wish.

Every year my failures manifest in the physical realm in the form of my horrendous gift wrapping. You'd think I'd have learned by now, but I never do. The Folly of Man.

🔪 👽

Where is Thumbkin? My dude, fuck Thumbkin. All my homies hate Thumbkin.

The biggest lie ever told to America is Good Morning

Listening to my coworkers litany of problems and I'm sitting here like Damn my only problem is you don't know how to close your office door

I was promised bacon and coffee and both promises have gone unfulfilled

These yearly tracking recaps need to STOP! No, Bethany from HR, I do not care to know how many times I was in the toilet in 2025 or what my nugget count and percentile was at the holiday party.

Fuck that's hot

Say I hypothetically open a beer and it foams up and spills a little on the floor and a baby (mine) comes along and licks it (accidentally) before I can clean it, that makes me a bad dad, right? Hypothetically (real).

Yo, are these bots OK? Will somebody check on the bots please

Oh, great, grand, wonderful, its fucking potluck season again

Shears. The shears? A shear? Shearers? A unit of shears? My wife won't have this conversation with me.

a person is holding a door stop in their hand and pressing it on a door . ALT: a person is holding a door stop in their hand and pressing it on a door .

The 1000 toys my baby has on the floor are no match for this king

Guy's name is like Brettley or some shit too...

Them: Hey
Me:
Me:
20 minutes later
Me:
Me (caving): Heyy
Them: Good morning

🪦

Ace is the place with the helpful hardware face

Micholas Mouse

Never turned off a football game so fast