My latest column.

Criterion Announces 4K Restoration Of Zapruder Film \

I couldn't let this headline go to waste.

fromthebackofmymind.beehiiv.com/p/criterion-...

I wrote an overlong review of this for Invisible Oranges when it came out.

www.invisibleoranges.com/metallica-72...

Back in 2023, I ranked all their albums for The Hard Times, and includes this joke:

"[The Beatles medley] is more out of place than Lauren Boebert at a Mensa gathering."

thehardtimes.net/music/type-o...

A few of my best pitches from March:

US Constitution Sent To Farm Upstate

Libertarian Outraged At One-Child-Bride Limit

Opinion: It's Not A War Crime If We're Not At War (Guest Column By Pete Hegseth)

Department Of Defense Now Department Of Lethalitymaxxing

If you need a laugh today, try this.

I got chills watching this. I'm so fucking happy they're back.

My first piece for The Hollywood Time$.

*pushes glasses up nose*

Akshully, it's more smarter-er.

Oh, You’re an As I Lay Dying Fan? Name Three Anabolic Steroids Hey, you with the As I Lay Dying t-shirt with the sleeves cut off and swelled-up ankles. You’re a metalcore fan, huh?... Continue reading this gem

My latest. I've wanted to write this one for a long time.
thehardtimes.net/blog/oh-your...

I went long on this one: three interviews running ~1h50m and with a transcription total of ~13,800 words.

Oh, You’re A KoЯn Fan? Name Three Dah-Boom-Dah-Dah-MMM-Dum-Nah-Ee-Mah Hey, you with the white-kid dreads and those baggy JNCOs with a portable CD player in the giant back pocket. Is that... Read more nonsense

My latest.
thehardtimes.net/blog/oh-your...

Tesla Hides Drive Mode Behind Subscription Paywall AUSTIN, Texas — Tesla CEO and impossibly moronic manchild Elon Musk announced this week that Tesla will begin locking the drive mode... Continue this tale

My latest.
thehardtimes.net/culture/tesl...

More like "feel it in my bone spurs."

Comic Sans is the Pauly Shore of fonts.

A few of my best pitches from Feb:

Rush Fans Spend Another Saturday Night In Basement Arguing About Band's Best Album

Report: Concert Occurred Despite No Cellphone Footage

Vegan Completes Conversation Without Mentioning It

New Aaron Lewis Album Crowdsourced From r/Conservative Country musician and patriot cosplayer Aaron Lewis admitted this week that he crowdsourced his new album, “I’m Not Racist, You Are,” from the popular right-wing subreddit r/Conservative.

My latest. This one was cathartic to write.
thehardtimes.net/music/new-aa...

I spoke to an incredibly nice guitar teacher for my latest column. (He's also in a really neat band called Illusion of Fate. Check 'em out if ya like Children of Bodom and Amorphis.)

Probot: 20 Years Later Dave Grohl's Metal Side-Project Revisited

Since it came out on this day, here's a piece I wrote about my favorite Dave Grohl project.

lambgoat.com/features/460...

My latest vinyl purchase says, "Tell me you're a Millennial without telling me you're a Millennial."

This might be my favorite joke I've pitched since joining the Hard Times.

Fun fact, per Phish(dot)net: "This is the infamous 'O.J. Show,' played on the night of O.J. Simpson’s Bronco chase."

A few of my best pitches from Jan:

Hugo Boss Preemptively Declines To Make ICE Uniforms

Joe Rogan Shocked To Learn Joe Rogan Has A Podcast

Opinion: As An Atheist, I Pray To A Data Center Five Times A Day (Guest Column: Peter Thiel)

Ghost Of Adolf Hitler Accuses Trump Administration Of Plagiarism

*screams into pillow*

I pitched this as a satirical opinion piece 13 days ago.

Related: I ranked all Megadeth's albums back in 2023. It has one of my favorite jokes: "'Super Collider' is a bigger miscalculation than Operation Barbarossa."

thehardtimes.net/music/metal/...

My latest column.

Kid Rock Fan Misses Custody Hearing Due To Bail Hearing Jimmy Fetsar missed a child custody hearing because he was at a bail hearing stemming from a fistfight he instigated outside a Kid Rock concert.

My latest: this one was fun to write.
thehardtimes.net/music/rock/k...

Morgan Wallen Denies A.I. Used for New Song “Country Music, Also Known as Country and Western or Simply Country, Is a Music Genre” Country superstar and mullet aficionado Morgan Wallen recently denied accusations that artificial intelligence was used in the creation of a new song.

My latest: I make fun of Morgan Wallen's vapid music.
thehardtimes.net/music/countr...

Look, if Trump's goon squad is gonna go around asking people for their papers, they should at least have the decency and honesty to do it in German.