Hi, I’m Jesus, and When I Get Back, I Want All the Eggs Hidden Here’s wishing you a Happy Easter Weekend with this classic from our archives. 4/18/25 4/3/26

"I know things look bad for me right now, but I'll be back, and when I return I want all the eggs hidden. And I want the eggs to have candy in them. And I want the kids in town to look for the eggs so they can eat the candy. This is all about the kids. Adults can't help them look."

So, Harry Potter will be 30 in his seventh year?

Earlier this afternoon my husband and I took a nap together. I haven't felt this relaxed in years. Even though we sleep in the same bed together every night, there was something magical about sleeping next to my husband in the middle of the day. #nap #sleepmagic

Weinerschnitzel chili cheese dogs, RC Cola, Shasta Tiki Punch

I am here to eat burritos and kick ass and I'm all out of burritos. #burrito #sandiego #robertos

Every day is cat day if you want it to be #cat

Just saw a Tesla with all the anti-Elon stickers on it, and paper plates (which means it was a new vehicle purchase). If you don't like Elon Musk why did you buy a new Tesla? #nazi #tesla

The Melania movie: I really don't care, do you?

docking

Remember, today is the first day of the rest of your Cheesemas.

Glad we got our Subaru before the GOP got all the safety features stripped out of it

It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers First published on October 9, 2009, this classic by Colin Nissan is our most-read article of all time. We’re celebrating the 16th anniversary of th...

We hope your decorative gourds are still kicking ass on your porch or mantel or in your all-gourd reenactments of 'Diff’rent Strokes' eps. #BLAMMO

A Letter to the Parents that Gave My Son Charlie a Bunch of Rocks for Halloween Fellow parents, I am so angry and drunk right now that I am shaking. This evening, our young son spent several unsupervised hours trick-or-treating...

"One rock? Okay, fine. But every house in the neighborhood? This was obviously a coordinated effort to humiliate our family."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/a-l...

I have decided that anyone under age 40 is a teenager and I won't be taking any questions on this matter.

Geez I guess I was drunk when I wrote my last post. It should be illegal to play Xmas songs on October 14th. I'm looking at you, Shogun Kobe.

It should be against the law to play Xmas songs on October 24th.

Cracker Barrel sells some pretty dope Halloween decor this time of year.

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Hey, dingdongs, it's the end of the internet as we know it. We need your help to preserve the last bastion of beautiful chaos untouched by enshittification.

You in?

Can someone please make me a Black Forest cake with Luxardo cherries? 🍒

Greg and I are down to 0 cars as of today. IRL is really tough for me right now.

Crocodile Rock

Can I substitute tacos for nectarines?

The ONLY thing I hate about trans folks is that so many of them are better looking than me. 🏳️‍⚧️ That's it - I'm just jealous.

Mother's Day Giveaway As adults, we can look back and realize how much our moms did for us that went unseen and unnoticed. This Mother’s Day, we’re giving away three products as our way of saying “Thank you” to moms who wo...

Help me win an awesome giveaway from Vornado! wn.nr/UXMR6yA

Why are there so many socks in the cat drawer?

Miss Cleo, a genius ahead of her time!

Autumn 🍂 doing her "long cat" pose #cat

I Didn’t Think Things Would Get This Chaotic When We Elected President Donkey Kong I’m not into politics. Never have been. That’s why it was so refreshing to have a candidate who wasn’t the same old same old, but a raging animated...

"I don’t mean to sound like an alarmist, but I’m starting to wonder if maybe it wasn’t the best idea to give absolute power to an angry, demented simian."