“How are you SINGLE?!”
—me, folding socks

Good thing Sox/Yanks is blacked out. If you get all three, a Wahlberg comes out of the TV.

“John Ringo Paul George” —Me ranking two Beatles and a basketball player.

Ppl knock GenAI but it gives you so much time back. You used to have to physically draw yourself as Jesus if you wanted to cyber bully the Pope

Taking out a sheet pan: Still somehow one of the loudest things one can do.

I bet 10K on Kalshi that Trump will provide clarity

João, JWOWW, I dunno you write the joke for once

Robot umps but no Roomba to brush off the dirt on home plate?

“We have Top Chef at home!”

Home:

Btw how bout an Oscar for the person who found the Casting Director?

Toy Story but it’s those mostly full water bottles that get left behind at airport security.

Time to catch up and watch all the Oscar movies at once like NFL Red Zone

When someone turns down an everything bagel, it’s like geez what’s it gonna take.

Amazing Race but everyone has a 3 year old.

Tru lov

Churches after learning about Venmo:

“Thanks, but we like our really long basket on a stick.”

Can’t believe after you host the world for a month of Olympics, you still have to do a closing ceremony — how bout GET OUT?

Jack Hughes should get gold teeth!

At this stage, the puck should be a medal

I feel like the Olympics doesn’t take advantage of all these Zambonis. Race ‘em!

First impressions are huge. That’s why when I meet someone I’ll usually do Walken.

NYC weather just updated its forecast to 6-12 pieces of dogshit in front of your apartment

Pass it to the guy in blue and white!

They should do one summer event in the Winter Olympics—like a breakfast for dinner kinda thing

I actually went to school with a Dawn Powerwash.

Goat cheese is fine but I don’t think it’s the greatest of all time.

Did you know the original name for the Winter Olympics was The Slippery Games?

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What’s your price for flight?

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My least favorite music is “the webinar will begin shortly”

ok, nominative determinism