You've refused my whimsy, so now all I have to give is piss and vinegar.

Those fuckers keep taking money out of my bank account when I buy shit! WTF!?!?!?

Ever have a pee so satisfying you goon?

So what's so good about this Friday anyway? I still had to work.

I guess the DOW is under 50,000, huh girl? Byeee...

Bugs would just be neat little guys if they didn't bite us or invade our food supply.

I'm full of soup and happy!

Just a little something to take the edge off, I say after screaming into a pillow.

Having a physical form is so exhausting. Would not recommend.

Kinda rude that my facial hair keeps growing when I trimmed it perfectly less than a week ago.

I'm finally making time for myself to read. Jealous? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I'm a little gay ghost!

I admire the bravery of song writers that aren't afraid to "sha la la la la" or "do do doo" sometimes.

If Grace Ashcroft from Resident Evil 9 can be that big of a scaredy cat and still be in the FBI, then I can make it through this week, god damn it.

No cap!? YES cap! All cap! CAP LOCK EVEN!!!

We live inside a dream.

Hi, it's me. The old guy standing at the very back of the concert.

Christian Bale probably sat for hours in a makeup chair to be Frankenstein's monster, and he just ended up looking like Matt Smith.

Mushroom coffee won't save you from the ever present doom looming over humanity.

The world is falling apart and I still have to fold laundry.

I wish I could remove my spine.

Maybe bunny actually good?

Why is Twitch sending me ads for depends... Are they trying to tell me I'm way too old for the platform, or is it my phone overhearing me make jokes about Trump shitting himself?

If I were a vampire I'd totally turn all of you reading this right now, cause you're all cool, and nice, and deserve to be spooky, and live forever.

That bass player has terrible posture!

I thought about what the inside of a Disney gay's house might look like and made myself sick...

Witch friends! It's time for you to curse a little harder.

*listens to The Smiths on Spotify* lol, I'm so old and out of touch.

I love when I get cute texts like "your package has been shipped."

He excepted someone else's nobel peace prize. He's so fucking pathetic.