We can all dream

Ah, gollum phase already? Wait until he hits his pipin years

Does getting plastic surgery count as trying to laminate your face card? #showerthoughts

Automatons are the cephalopods of the marionette world

Do yourself a favor and sing that pollution song from Fern Gully with Homsar's voice

If I wanna eat a small dough dumpling stuffed with filling, that's my perogi-tive

Okay but what if we took the expiration dates off everything and just labeled them with the product's sun, moon, and rising signs

Riot shield so dripped out you might have to join ICE (please don't)

I've been corrected, it's a "medicated bumper ointment" so it's for hemorrhoids

Rust Eez from the cars universe is probably akin to a cosmetic anti aging lotion. McQueen is the lotion car and that's why he hates the brand cause only old people use it. It's like being the Depends car

The banter is A+ my guy, I am God's gift to hell I swear

Part of me knows that a future version of myself is going to have wartime flashbacks to this holiday season

Giving a shit about other people is the hardest thing you can do when no one else is doing it

"I'm bi curious" I think you mean Queerious

Found this on the floor at work. Poor kid didn't even sign his name, how is Santa supposed to know who the robux are for????

The best couple combo is one person who talks too loud in public and another who doesn't want to be perceived

My inner child's idol became a ghost today. Rest in peace, Jane Goodall

Do you think nudists try to avoid using the phrase "private parts"

Getting murdered is not an infringement of your first amendment right, it's the consequence of using it unwisely. If you incite violence, you will receive violence. I don't know why it's so hard for people to understand this. No one took away his microphone, no deplatformed him. They just responded.

I can't believe the hamburglar canonically a cancer

my only goal in life is to have the best NPC dialogue when people walk past me

It is upsetting how many people are bringing up big balloons to the register and then having us put them back cause they don't think their mom is worth $12.99+tax. If we're worried about limited helium, check these people's heads

I think they put down that dawg in me

Two negatives make a positive, right? All I got to do is fuck up again?

Jennifer Coolidge is the female Owen Wilson

If a woman holds open the door for you, is it She-valry?

Do you think the guy that invented staplers has beef with the guy who invented the staple remover?

Anime themed strip club....... Nyan safe for work

Coworker gave me an egg with a face on it. His name is Bill. He sat in our customer service window before coming home with me. Now he's got no insides and will live an empty life on my shelf forever