😜😂

Thank you

😜😊

No such thing as a bad pun 😜

I’ve been waiting on a black hole sun since ‘94

*at dinner my wife pulls out a puka shell necklace from her chicken noodle soup & holds it up. i look up from my plate*
there it is.

The heart knows what it wants. Sometimes love, sometimes a lil surgical procedure to keep on ticking.

Me, opening the fridge: Hmm..nothing..
Lettuce in a bag: Hey!
Me: Nothing, indeed

The sax solo is right behind me isn't it?

I am looking for a serious relationship. Servere. Sober. Austere. Preferably with a man in mourning.

You're welcome

True

An apundance of them

Thank you 😊

Thank you 😊

Thank you 👊🏼

All I’m saying is if I was going to write a book about a boy who never grew up, I wouldn’t have called him Peter Pan. I would’ve named him Constanteen.

Me: I love it when you call me Big Poppa

*3 minutes later*

Starbucks Barista: iced venti vanilla Latte for a Brad Pepper!

don’t invite me to your party unless you have a mystery for me to solve

I feel like batman could carry more things if he wore cargo pants instead of tights and a belt

[health app on my phone]

did you sign your will motherfucker?

VERY COOL PERSON: It's four-twenty, you know what that means?

ME: Hell yeah! [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

Miss Cleo foresaw all of this but I was too cheap to call that 1-900 number

There are some ways around not wanting to know something, but like anything with a catch there's a knowing something you didn't even know you didn't want to know so...I tricked you into eating flashcards

It would be EPIC

you know what would be funny? if a weather person named mary said to “expect hail” & then the anchorman could wittily reply “hail, mary?” & then the other anchorman could look @ the camera & say “that’s what she said” & then i would say to myself “send post” & then

They really should've called male frogs 'dadpoles'