I'm gonna start a new themed comedy show where the theme is "every comic has to go up early and shows up late"
I'm calling it the Los Angeles Comedy Show
anyone want a spot? you can always cancel day of
I wear full pads in my circus act because I'm a contact juggler
From the slums of Bethlehem, mad shout outz 2:
THE RISEN
FORGIVIN'
OL' DIRTY MASTER 'INSPECT YO DECK'
YAHWEH THE CHEF
NU GOD
HOLY GHOSTFACE SAVIOR
aaaaand....
M-E-T-H-O-DIST MANNNNN
I like the internet cuz you can get a printer and the sponsored algorithm will be like "Yeah but what if you got ANOTHER printer?? Think of how much stuff you could print then???"
Only if you tip 20% on the entire order
Screenshot of shopping results for a Nintendo Switch 2 that includes a purchase option from fucking Doordash
If someone Doordashed a fucking switch 2 and I was the Dasher, I would simply steal it and quit my job and sign up for Postmates
What are we DOING here
This is from 2001 BTW nobody go yell at Penthouse they probably dont suck this bad anymore
To be fair this magazine is from 2001, I should have mentioned that lol
A penthouse magazine cover highlighting two articles 1. Porn Star Fluffers: getting men primed and ready for their close ups 2. Lethal Injections: the case against vaccines, by Gary Null
Ah yes my two favorite genres of journalism
Walked into the bank to deposit a whopping $100 and heard "This Is Me" from The Greatest Showman playing in the lobby and suddenly I knew everything was going to be just fine so long as I am authentic to myself
*distant explosion*
Siri what israel
Easter should have a Cyber Monday which is all about celebrating the idea of Jesus coming back as a murderous robot that kills GOP senators
He has rizzin'
Kinda sucks how Artificial Intelligence and Actual Information share the same acronym
This has three layers of references that will appeal to almost nobody
Julio Torres and Connor O'Malley are the water and fire spirits from Ne Zha that must unite their powers to destroy capitalism
No man has all two:
1. A satisfied wife
2. A Cybertruck
Someone recently asked me if I really thought Sam Altman was currently worse for the world than Elon Musk, which is an impossible question to answer
Like asking me which one of my children I'd rather abort
It's True: Mamdani Is Fast Filling a Record Number of Holes By Adlan Jackson & 2 others • 2 Apr 2026
I don’t think his personal life is any of my business
they should let you gamble on shit in the lines for rides at theme parks
I don't mind a 45 minute wait if I can hit a roulette table every 10 steps
I will literally car-bomb someone's Tesla to park in Koreatown
Guys I just spent like 20 dollars more than usual on at the gas pump, this fascist regime has finally gone too far. What's next, no PARKING??
*distant explosion*
"Fans have noticed that a Japanese politician was once Zero Suit Samus in a Metroid advert Chisato Morishita is now a Parliamentary Vice-Minister of the Environment" Image of said politican and said Metroid advertisement
Is the environment that she is vice minister of split up into several different biomes that require specialized suit upgrades to access?
Forbes article headline where one of the wealthiest musicians to ever live, Jay-Z, is quoted as saying "calling all billionaires bad is 'like a cop out'"
hey jay nobody cares about your British Empire State of Mind right now
Forbes article headline where one of the wealthiest musicians to ever live, Jay-Z, is quoted as saying "calling all billionaires bad is 'like a cop out'"
hey jay nobody cares about your British Empire State of Mind right now
when a comedian does a murder-suicide we call that a bringer
Pope Leo is the first Pope to have ever experienced the US healthcare system, so there's that
ATTN: LA Sandwich Makers
Please make your sandwiches taller. They've been too easy to eat lately. And please make sure you only use the thickest, slipperiest chunks of avocado - if I take one more bite where the avocado doesn't immediately shoot across the room, I'm done
ATTN: LA Sandwich Makers
Please make your sandwiches taller. They've been too easy to eat lately. And please make sure you only use the thickest, slipperiest chunks of avocado - if I take one more bite where the avocado doesn't immediately shoot across the room, I'm done
It's time for us as a society to start embracing short film kings