“Remember your training” I admonish myself as I try something I never trained for.

[car accident]

Stand back, everyone. I’m no doctor but I have a box of Band-Aids®️ containing every size they make.

this will sound incredibly silly to anyone under like 30, but it is so weird that the 70s and 90s are only 20 years apart

Him: PLEASE DON'T HURT ME YA OLD COUGAR

Me: gross

Him: I AM PROVING TO YOU THAT A WOMAN TOLERATES ME AND I AM SAFE

Me: 👍

I have not had a single professional interaction with a man in the past five years where he didn't loudly wife or girlfriend me (regale me with elaborate stories of their female companions) within the first five minutes, and I wonder if they think I am afraid of them or they are afraid of me

I have been thinking of going back to school to facilitate a career change. If I can go back to driving school and learn to parallel park, I am sure that job path ends in great success

Always making the wrong silence when I wanna be quiet, does that ever happen to me? At least I'm nodding along again to a lo-fi inner monologue

Surprise a beautiful person today by being interested in someone else.

Fortunately Led Zeppelin modified the original title of the song, 𝘚𝘵𝘢𝘪𝘳𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘒𝘦𝘷𝘪𝘯, prior to the album’s release.

Nothing better to do with a bonfire than show it your hands, imo

If you always open a bag of chips upside down it's because a very naughty potato has cursed your entire snackline. But I'm seriously, do not be too disappotatoed in yourself

if you don't feel funny, go watch a bug for a little while and think about how you act

Breathing and cursing like your ancestors did by the kitchen window, understanding everything now. The sea was out there, in a rage always cursing never breathing it's out there still. But you have dolphin yoga

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” and other aesthetic-related freak eye injuries.

The amount of water in baby carrot bags feels performative

I never wanted to post this path. I started out as a walking stick account, but then I poked my first stupidest shit I could think of and the stick treeactivated

There are some ways around not wanting to know something, but like anything with a catch there's a knowing something you didn't even know you didn't want to know so...I tricked you into eating flashcards

California king is a mattress that’s sober aside from smoking weed

Ossoff: "How does American politics really work? It's coin operated. Money goes in, favors come out. It's been running on secret money, corporate money, billionaire money ... all of this gave rise to a depraved president who exploits this rot to empower and enrich himself"

I own a business so this is 100% a joke, technically I can do whatever I want (although that would not serve my goals) and I am my own boss.

whenever i am considering posting questionable content, i always ask myself this: “will this upset the four or five followers that actually respect me?”

I just want to sew ruffles and listen to ghost stories and smell like a tomato vine is that so wrong

My boss said it was

You want to road trip with me. I don't have 2026 gas money but what I bring to the station wagon is that I never have to pee and I dj a mean podcast lineup

When you have an idea and it works well, give yourself credit. Say out loud to an empty room "that was a good idea"

An exit stanchion in a building reads “Dramatic Exit.”

This rehearsal studio understands its customers.

Sorry it took me so long to reply, I was googling everything you said.

If size doesn’t matter why is small talk so insufferable?

I’m not proud of it but if Forrest Gump started talking to me on a bench I’d have left

In another world we say "in this world" to refer to that world only because we don't need to imagine any others. Or maybe we don't even say world we just grunt out for big perfect circle like panoramaaagh