All you had to do is take one look at Swalwell. Classic "I want to undo one more button on my shirt"/DTF energy.

Pay per view. Chris Rock gets one slap on Will Smith. Proceeds go to charity. Will make billions. Let's go. #slapoff

wow!

I've found few terms rankle women more than the phrase "geriatric pregnancy." Maybe we should force men to endure something like that too. Fellas, you don't have "erectile dysfunction," you've got "geriatric boners."

The Vice President, who converted to Catholicism in 2019, is lecturing the Pope about theology!? That’s like downloading Duolingo and immediately correcting a Parisian’s pronunciation of ‘croissant.’

Kate McKinnon: Find the juxtaposition Seek out the diametrically opposed.

Kate McKinnon: "The essence of a comedic character is found in juxtaposition. Whenever I’m stuck, I come up with an adjective and a noun diametrically opposed…Find ways to highlight that juxtaposition over and over in a series of escalating beats and that’s a sketch."

👇

buff.ly/Cj7pKmP

Society keeps getting crazier because it's so much harder to monetize sanity. There are no centrist grifters, y'know? Incentives gonna incentive so we all wind up living in TuckerPikerLand™️, where each of us must believe in either the antichrist or H@mas.

Baseball managers getting ejected is such silly theater. They aren't really needed anyway. It's like "Oh no, what will his team do now that there's no one making phone calls, crossing things off on a piece of paper, and chewing sunflower seeds?"

"The way Christian Nationalism drivel is leaking into mainstream culture sucks. This isn’t about angels, demons, or anything else pulled from a Dan Brown novel. We don’t need 'spiritual warfare.' We need for Americans to stop being easily duped morons."

mattruby.substack.com/p/the-demons...

I go onstage and talk to hundreds of people every week. It's taught me something social media users misunderstand...
What extremely online people think: "Everybody knows what I'm talking about."
What everyone else thinks: "We have no idea what you're talking about."

I wonder if The Jackal ever suffered from impostor syndrome.

I went to a UFC fight and a Trump rally broke out A snowflake enters the thunderdome.

Read the rest: mattruby.substack.com/p/i-went-to-...

I wrote about Trump attending a UFC fight. One thing I noticed: You could literally spot him from the other side of the arena. "I get 45’s hair now. It's like a lighthouse. You can see it from a mile away, like a beacon of fakery. The red tie pops too."

Installed an app on my phone for my Chinese vacuum. It has a map of my apartment too. I can't help but think this could wind up in some kinda Hezbollah beeper situation.

Regime change!

I hate this defense: "It's a hit piece." So what? If ya out here acting like a punching bag...

NYC. Jokes. This week.

Libertarians never get elected. But our economy now seems largely based on gambling (DraftKings), weed (dispensaries), porn (OnlyFans), and fringe speech (podcasts), so I feel like they already won.

Bring back 3 things to solve America!

1) Smoke breaks: They let us take a rest from each other every 90mins – and get fresh air.

2) Water coolers: A physical place to gather around and have actual conversations.

3) Dunk tanks: Provided a playful way to vent our anger at agreed upon targets.

Kinda lame how 90% of the poly people in Brooklyn are circus/aerial performers. What if you wanna hook up with a bunch of people yet hate Cirque de Soleil?

My ex was just like that movie "Crazy Rich Asians" except she’s not rich or Asian.

We’re all trying to find the guy who did this It's 🌮 time for the President and 🌭 time for fleeing podcasters.

Why are so many podcasters jumping ship?
Does the President envy Iran?
Should we let Hegseth drink again?

👇 NEW RUBESLETTER 👇
mattruby.substack.com/p/were-all-t...

I ❤️ comedian podcasts because it’s fascinating to watch narcissists pretend to be interested in someone else until it’s their turn to talk again.

Trump just gifted all his cabinet members new shoes!

Matt Ruby: SUBSTANCE (2023) - FULL STANDUP COMEDY SPECIAL + DOCUMENTARY 🌿🥃🍄🚫 YouTube video by Matt Ruby

"Watch comedian Matt Ruby perform four sets: one high, one drunk, one on 🍄🍄🍄, and one sober. It's a one-of-a-kind standup special/documentary/experiment unlike anything you've ever seen before. Weed, booze, 🍄🍄🍄, and sober: Will he crash & burn or stick the landing?"
👇
www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Ak5...

Technology has made our lives so frictionless that even the tiniest bit of grit now feels like a massive wound.

We give Elon crap, but not enough How Twitter/X completely devolved into a pipeline of ragebait slop.

Why is this okay? Wrote about this in latest Rubesletter…
mattruby.substack.com/p/we-give-el...

Let’s start framing algorithms as non-consensual. Everyone inserted (against my will) into my X timeline is like this guy: Weird cartoon avatar, fierce animal username like “ToughPanda253”, random bible passage, tribalist MAGA propaganda, and 💪🇺🇸 emojis. *Collect ‘em all and you’ve got XINGO!* Blech.