I know I’ve said it already, but it feels like some terrible mistake that I can’t spend all day with my kitten. We need paid kitten leave.

If two vegans get into a fight, is it still considered beef

I never reported that Katy Perry sexually assaulted me, cause she never did, and I am sad about not being one of the chosen many it appears...

Yesterday was International Bread Day.
This fact is a day old, so I Propose a toast.

Yesterday while I cooked dinner, my son said, “One day Dad I’ll help with bills and groceries.”
I almost cried.
He’s 32….. ffs now get the fuck out of my house you ponce

I never actually see my cat use the litter box but he sure shits a lot

When mom buys unfrosted Pop-Tarts

Square image from a weather app indicating its 69 degrees in a place called Poundtown.

Sounds about right

The Butt-Head in me recognizes the Beavis in you

#TittyTuesday marvelous moobs just isn't as catchy of a phrase as it should be...

The pre-cum part of tomato ketchup can break a meal for me

“I used AI to combine the data from two excel lists and then send emails to people who were on one list but not another. Saved me so much time.”

My brother in academia, you just fucking discovered mail merge. Welcome to early nineties computing.

A golden retriever has both paws up at a bank teller’s window.

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

My horoscope says I am more aligned with someone who considers themselves to be a, and I quote, 'cum-slut dumpster'...

Small Joys in Life! The wind in our fur...🍃😻

A round, fried hors d'oeuvre sits on a plate with a shocked expression. It is surrounded by others like it, except for an empty spot next to it.

“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”

I’ve definitely told someone "I’m almost there" while I was still standing in my bathroom in a towel, debating if I even want to go.

I miss 100% of the shots I do take, because it’s been rigged.

This muffin won’t fix me but I’m gonna try it anyway

A large white waterfowl with orange feet stands in front of a door. On the door is a cardboard sign secured with tape that reads, "DO NOT LET THE DUCK IN." Adding insult to injury, I think the duck might be a goose.

Whatever you do,

Screenshot from disappointingaffirmations instagram: You are more than enough. Way more. Dial that shit back a bit.

I mean yeah this is what I’ve been saying

How many times must one give up before it sticks

VERY COOL PERSON: It's four-twenty, you know what that means?

ME: Hell yeah! [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

Love is…a pulled pork baked potato

My kids couldn’t tell you when my birthday is if you paid them, but they sure as hell know the cat’s birthday that we have never even celebrated

Orange fluffy cat inside my car.

I have to go to work and this is not my cat.

one day my children will bring my posts before a judge as the reason they are questioning my competence

dishes