you know the first fucker to eat a BLT was like 𝑤𝑒𝑙𝑙 𝑔𝑜𝑑𝑑𝑎𝑚𝑛

A good way to leave a conversation is to suddenly crouch down and scuttle away sideways like a crab

I’ll wash my mouth out with doughnut

Our lady of perpetual goddamnit

Nah man better to have loved and, uh, you know

Look, not everybody needs to be a strawberry, okay? There's room for cranberries in this world too. You can be weird and sour and only tolerated by a handful of people around the holidays. I know you can. You can be fun if mixed with enough vodka. I believe in you. You can live in a bog

I can either disappoint you traditionally or we can develop a customized plan that fits your needs

The Simpsons can only exist in societies that are dumb enough to be mockable but smart enough not to collapse. This narrow “Goldilocks zone” of balanced idiocy is fragile and rare across the galaxy. Most planets invent The Simpsons right before destroying themselves

In this time of war and strife, the world yearns for a new food + animal hero. Thank you for your service, Pizza Rat, but now all eyes turn to Quiche Beaver.

BRB gotta tell mom her college nickname has been reborn

My magic underwear seems extra magic just now

Wait I thought this was an LDS party 🫠

[*looking-up from my phone to make sure life is still passing me by*]

denis is just penis with a d

Just rotate that d, babe

Rename a slogan based on an ex:

Because you’re worth shit

I would apologize, but I think we both learned something valuable

*unhides valley ranch*

Sorry, that came off as an unsympathetic attempt to recruit you to the cause!

self-checkout unreal tournament voice: TRIPLE COUPON

Ouch. I’m trying to change my acceptance of wasps since learning they kick ass for the ecosystem

Me: I should be more of a defensive driver

Also me: the best defense is a good offense

yet nobody talking about betamaxxing

bug fixes:

yeah im a ceo

c -eeing
e enough
o f your mom

Garfield: *eats a lasagna very quickly*
Judi Dench: oh Garfield
Garfield: *snores loudly*
Judi Dench: you wretched creature
Garfield: *hits spider with newspaper*
Judi Dench: murderous reprobate
Garfield: *watches tv*
Judi Dench, intensely whispering: soulless twisted thing

That little piece of love I have left? It's for me

As a life coach, the thing I tell my clients over and over: you’re not getting your money back.