Solid move

Anybody else have the "sleep head north" superstition or is it just me?

Always remember the universe you created when you were a a young God or Godess—the time that you overcame entropy to feel it bend to you. These are the traits that are stolen by time through a battle of attrition.

You can win this battle, you are enough, you will have your truth.

if i could have an exotic pet it would be a meerkat that brings me snacks

i love all my friends and anemones

I like you guys, gals, theys and HORRORS OF THE PALE.

The hardest part of growing older is remembering how things used to be.

And random pain. That's up there.

Im very tired of being aware.

Tell my wife I said "heck'n gosh darn it"

Me dating if my wife divorced me:

If you take me home, I'll sleep on the couch. I almost put my ex wife in a coma with my farts once and sometimes I dont breathe for several minutes. I usually wake up with a multitonal and inhumane gasp after a severe night terror about aliens taking over my body.

Me trying to date if my wife divorced me: I dont like getting to know people and I snore while im awake. Let me tell you about my ex wife.

I feel that

Do not use me near an open flame

Oh fuck yeah

Nah man. I keep losing my cucumbers.

After recent events, I no longer identify as dishwasher safe.

vodka: for when you want to get drunk fast while also drinking something reminiscent of engine degreaser mixed with satan’s tears

You bet😂😂😂

JESUS FUCK I KNEW IT WAS THE GOD DAMN DOLPHINS! thank you this is awesome😂

there we go

Ylvis - The Fox (What Does The Fox Say?) [Official music video HD] YouTube video by TV Norge

Sometimes, I just need to revisit this to commune with nature and acknowledge my connection to the earth and her inhabitants...to touch grass, if you will.

COWORKER: you busy?
ME: [looking at google images of lasagna] yes

An English Staffordshire terrier sitting on a bed. He is mid playful growl as the photographer is giving him the bird

Time line cleanse because Jasper is a good boi

Jasper looks incredulous of your crude gesture.

“they said he has no owner but he wears a collar of restraint.” — my nine-year-old, about a bodega cat

I'm gonna eat your crops

not all who waldo are lost

I have successfully avoided all responsibility today. Highly, highly recommend.

If it weren’t for the crippling anxiety that I might make a social misstep, I’d comment to so many more of you. I’m sorry or you’re welcome

Omg someone replied to me with solidarity about childhood abuse, a nice sweet message, and so I replied and I just used a heart and fist bump emojis, right, but autocorrect changed it and I just about hit reply, not sure how I managed not to, so I almost replied with just

📸