Her: Micro, petite, tiny, little, miniature, minuscule.
Me: You know I hate small talk!

Birdhouse is not my favourite type of birdsong...

Karma is a bitch! She told me she would pick me up after soccer practice, but didn't!

First drafts:
-Call You by my Name
-12 Hangry Men
-Night of the Giving Dead
-It's a Somewhat Acceptable Life
-Crazy Carl: Angry Lane

Gyllenhaal The Way

When I launched my "Next Day Delivery" service, I didn't expect it to be an overnight success...

My Colombian crime syndicate was raided because of some local youth alerting the police! I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for those Medellín kids!!!

Karma Chameleon? I prefer the Kismet Crocodile or the Predestination Platypus!
#karma

Me, I don't give a shit! - Punk Rock
Me, I'm just a load of crock! - Pun Croc
#pun

You can call me a coward, a scoundrel, or a loser, I don't care! Just don't expect me to let them into my home when they get here!

Nobody believed me when I said that scepticism was on the rise...

It takes big balls to become a Zorb salesperson...

My friend told me she wants cream cabinets in her kitchen. I just store my cream in the fridge...

Straight laced
Shit faced

Drunk people often deny that they vomited on the way home. Those are barflies' barf lies!

What is going on with these car boots? Do people get tired of them or do they break easily? Why are there so many sales for them all over the place?

Me: Oh, I'm sorry, Flower! What are we having for dinner?
My wife: No, I said: "cauliflower"!!

Of course, I would love to dress for the job I want, not the one I have. The problem is I'm a nude model...

When I looked outside my window, I got startled by a little bunny, hopping past it. It was a real shock and awwwwww!

Old Mcdonald had a data farm,
A-I-A-I-O

That Pinocchio fella sure is nosey...

I'm finally old enough to take that trip I always wanted to take, I've reached pilgrim-age!

How wrinkly are these Jeremys that we actually have irons for them?!

A barstool is a bar's tool...

I don't know how many that equals per day... I need someone to help me calculate this...

I guess we have to call the bad part of town the streaming underbelly now, as kids don't know what a CD is anymore...
#dadjoke #ItsAStretchIKnow

If you like pina coladas AND getting caught in the rain, might I suggest a trip to the Dublin outdoor cocktail festival next October?

Whenever I get a sore throat, I go to a farm and talk softly to beasts of burden. I'm a hoarse whisperer.

This ghost keeps coming on to me, leaving me love notes on the fogged up mirror, whispering compliments in my ear. I wish he'd stop pitching woooooo...

You're thinking of Hull