You... You have a little something on your face (all the world's horrors).

Let me shave your legs, baby. It'll be sexy.

[later]

They said to keep putting pressure on it till the ambulance gets here.

I may not know much about sports, but at least I don't have fantasies about football

My parents are “oh yeah, I forgot to tell you I had surgery yesterday” years old

when i let go of a hug i make a loud rubber chicken noise

this is so embarrassing in front of the other parallel universes

A corvid sits on the passenger side view mirror of a vehicle, looking in.

Tell me truly, I implore!
Is there anything at this store
From foreign lands
Or within these shores
That e’er again
I might afford?
Quoth the Raven “Nevermore.”

A cat rests its head, their face a portrait of a deep despair.

when you realize that life is meaningless and you still have eight more to go

Forget a nap I need deep space cryosleep

I talk pretty tough for someone who named all the squirrels in the park after characters in Broadway musicals.

Wanna bait for life

Big naturals, but I’m talking about the chambers of my heart

Picture of a translucent hooded, caped, skeleton wrapped around an alarmed looking man seeming to move him involuntarily

When the IT guy takes over my computer remotely

A small bird wrapped in a tortilla, resembling a burrito.

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

*brings nothing to the table*

One of those monthly subscription boxes but for undetectable poisons

[yelling over club music] I said grief is a rain that falls on everything

you make me want to become a better sith lord

They still sell fruit flavoured cigarettes in Mexico so now I smell like both a banana and an ashtray and I am ready for you to love me.

A dark and gritty remake of Ocean’s Eleven where the heist only works because one guy is expendable and none of them know which one it is. Coming to theaters this summer: Baker’s Dozen

One day you’re young and the next thing you know, you’d rather have dinner at 4:30pm than risk waiting 15 minutes for a table.

Always leave them wanting amnesia.

Store sign reads “VERY SUSPICIOUS SUPERMARKET.”

“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”

😊

I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years

In case you can't think of anything to post, I don't think we've covered every instance of "can't leave my feet out bc monsters" yet. Maybe try that.

I know exactly when to keep my mouth shut. It doesn't mean I will, but I definitely know.

Getting really into cutting my nails "mental patient" short

Lynchian advice

Every morning

[Game of Would You Rather]

Friend: Would you rather have someone watch you try to parallel park or—
Me: The other option
Friend: I was gonna say slowly bleed to death while—
Me: THE OTHER OPTION