I think I’ve experienced enough lifetime trauma to justify becoming a serial killer and I’m honestly a little annoyed I turned out to be a people pleaser instead.

FaceTimed my daughter who’s been drinking with friends this afternoon/evening.

Her first reaction was, “Oh no, guys, my dad’s calling. Be cool.”

She’s 32.

The Old Testament God would’ve turned him into a pillar of salt or forced him to wander the desert or sicced fiery serpents at him by now.

It’s the time of year when late afternoon sunshine hits the couch perfectly for a nice warm nap and I just have to say that I get it, cats.

terrifying if literal,

NECK OF THE WOODS

reposts not only 🟰 my endorsement they mean i’ve secretly baptized you into my cult

I’d hate to be a dead raccoon with an attached penis tonight

Clarence Thomas blames progressivism for Hitler. Historians aren’t having it - Salon.com Experts say the justice’s remarks misrepresent the causes of authoritarianism while inflaming political rhetoric

His wife tried to overthrow the government.

www.salon.com/2026/04/18/c...

I do not want to create an account or open a subscription I just want to buy a thing and never hear from you again why is this so hard.

I want to go through one of those fun car washes, but without a car — just walk in and get sprayed with colourful soap and then slapped around a bit before being hosed down. I’ll skip the jet-engine dryer part, don’t play the loud buzzer either.

I’m not proud of it but if Forrest Gump started talking to me on a bench I’d have left

A painting of Lucifer tempting Jesus in the desert. Lucifer is INCREDIBLY naked, dirty, and lurid, rubbing up ons Jesus' robes from behind; his hand is open in offering and is placed in front of Jesus' crotch

I just re-found this painting, which was in a kid's bible I had growing up. I used to obssess over it, and I'm pretty sure seeing Lucifer here was the first time I thought a man was attractive? Over the years I'd think "it couldn't possibly be as horny as I remember it", but I mean come ON

I put chocolate chips on my Kashi cereal and my Birkenstocks got revoked

Hold up. I’m being told that one needs to be charismatic, wealthy, and live in California? I retract my bid.

Alright, fine, I’ll do it. I’ll be governor of California.

a drawing of a monster with a big nose Alt: animated drawing of Watto from the Star Wars prequels (a Toydarian junk dealer who owned Anakin Skywalker and his mother, Shmi)

grand theft watto

This is an important point to remember every time some yahoo politician who wants to defund the NSF reads the title of a grant in dumbstruck tones: "They're studying the venom of Gila monsters? What? Who's *that* for?"

All of us, Gomer. It's how science actually works.

How I arrived on Bluesky:

Student: Will you be in your office at noon to sign the transfer approval form?

Me: Yes. Did you already get the form from the registrar’s office and fill it out?

Student: Yep!

Student: [Brings a blank form]

How I arrived on Bluesky:

A pangolin covered in overlapping brown scales walks across a sandy landscape. Text on the image reads “Sponsor a pangolin for just $5 a month,” with the Fauna & Flora logo in the corner.

Well, there goes my retirement fund.

Like, what do you mean the ‘93 Fleer Ultra Dale Murphy card is worth $1.99 the man was an all-star

Our new album is out today! A sincere request to help spread the word!

There was literally a pangolin that flew combat sorties with the CIA in a dirty war in Laos that then died after drinking too much gin, so there’s at least one pangolin whose record is morally ambiguous

Sometimes I sing to the tune of TMBG’s “Mysterious Whisper,” except I sing 🎶Mysteeeeeeeeeerious bruises🎶

Ursula the Sea Witch: It won’t cost much, just your voice.

Ariel: Ok, deal, if I can pay in four equal installments using Affirm.

You know who I hate? My peers. Absolute fucking worst, every last one of them. Now, what type of people did you say this jury was?

step aside hot girl summer

In the club processing my religious trauma

It brings me no joy to report that the baseball cards I’ve kept all these years still aren’t worth anything