Black & white photography has often been used in propaganda to make historical events seem further in the past. For example, less time elapsed between the assassination of MLK and the Challenger explosion than between the creation of the “I can has cheezburger” cat meme and today
A daikon (winter radish) shaped like a person, appears to be walking away from the crop towards the camera.
The countryside is filled with the sound of tearing earth and the staccato pops of roots coming free from the soil. The ground pulsates a steady rhythm, as through a cloud of flying dirt and floating dust, the enraged horde marches towards the city with a singularity of purpose. The vegans must pay.
It’s Earth Day… Hug a tree!
- Text the tree the next day.
- Start hugging the tree regularly.
- Meet the tree’s parents.
- Move in with the tree.
- Marry the tree.
- Stop hugging the tree.
- Grow apart from the tree.
- Start hugging other trees.
- Divorce the tree.
- Die alone.
A golden retriever has both paws up at a bank teller’s window.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Two funny things I just found in my gmail spam folder:
1. A google gemini email
2. A notice about a class action lawsuit against Google
Friend: Let's get together! What's your calendar look like?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
choir director: sing the song , ladies
the camptown ladies: doo dah, doo dah
choir director: what
I was dreading going to a cocktail party on Friday because I had nothing interesting to talk about, but I just got a factory recall notice for some non-stick pots & pans we bought 6 years ago. They replaced the whole set. For free. So yeah, I guess you could say I’m excited to go
There is nothing familiar about the inside of this whale but the swallowing took me back. The 90's indie rock scene, books I thought I should read, too much time with the wrong person, all in boxes outside, oh shit my ex kicked me out of this whale
I asked my nephew why he wanted to be a Mime and he just stood there with a puzzled look on his face.
Me: Do you think Gritty and Grimace are cousins?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job
Dear diary - I’m still replying to bots when will it end.
OH. COME. ON.
me: why isn’t ‘architect’ pronounced like archduke or archbishop or archenemy
my gynecologist: what
they’ll unload the dishwasher but they’ll do it in a way that makes you irrationally angry and kids that’s marriage
I tried and failed to come up with a good re-tort.
Passing by billboards on the highway and wondering in which law school course do personal injury lawyers study puns.
Earth has been the exclusive home of humanity for 300,000 years, but besides that it's pretty great
I put my pants on like everyone else. When there’s a delivery at the front door.
Any time can be quitting time if you just don’t care anymore.
Milk will be $4 a gallon if they ever close the Strait of Hormoos. No YOU shut up!
phht. every action hero digs out a bullet. show me one digging out an ingrown toenail
This day in history. 1906. The Intercalated Games opened in Athens. Catchy title I think the same people named the Quadruple Four Quartet.
Hear me out, a drive-thru sperm bank called 𝘌𝘢𝘴𝘺 𝘊𝘰𝘮𝘦, 𝘌𝘢𝘴𝘺 𝘎𝘰.
Bobby’s got your back.
me: jesus said you have to forgive your debtors
bank manager: no
me: I’m calling the pope
Perfect date idea for two narcissists:
House of Mirrors
priest: if anyone knows why these two should not be wed, let them speak now or forever hold their peace
me: I do
my bride: *whispering* no, not yet
Pretty sure you’re just trying to frame him, Detective Iscariot.
[crime scene]
partner: there are two kinds of bullets but only one set of footprints
me: *whispering* jesus
partner: oh shit, jesus