The solution to your kid having a picky reaction to food?

That's right: make it more negative and emotional than it was already.

I'm too old to fight so I keep an heirloom sword in a shitty locked chest. Now, where did I leave my piles of lock picks?

My wife is doing the final boss battle in Breath of the Wild while our cat plays with a toy mouse in front of the TV.

I think my cat believes the soundtrack is for her because she's going fucking wild.

Forgive me, Prego. It has been 2 weeks since my last confession. I've been having unnatural urges. Mostly Asian fusion stuff.

The first rule of the deal is that if the deal starts happening, you've already lost.

How does it go?

First they came for (group) and then they stopped coming for other groups because they suddenly no longer needed outgroups to blame.

Do I believe he's heard this phrase privately from an advocate who is extremely academic about this? Sure.

But it's so slimy to paint this as the messaging that's breaking through to most people.

Also, god forbid someone in the big tent read a book not sold at an airport.

Would have been nice to have that reminder when I was at the grocery store.

People giving Ash dirty looks as he lets his rodent walk around a restaurant.

"Oh don't worry, this is my fightin' rodent."

We can't afford to let real photographs of our military-grade ladles get into the wild.

Writing one of these down wrong and my body shatters like glass.

In some countries, it's considered very rude to tell your husband not to order brain pills from a podcast.

Driving my yacht home after a long day of professoring only to find my human footstools (a CEO and a factory worker) have escaped.

It's only a man's name... And that name ain't worth dogshit! Fuck him!

Going to my job at the persuasion factory and getting mad when I'm fired for doing the opposite all day.

4 hour reap week

The teacher hated my outbursts because the came from my advanced and very good readings.

Don't they know a dog's dumbness is a virtue?

As someone who doesn't want children the only thing that could change my mind is if a weird guy on the internet told me I should

Someone replying to a pic of Ritz in the crackers subreddit: very solid choice, OP. You should come back here when you get interested in more challenging flavors. Hope you enjoy!

Googling "what is a pope" 3 months after converting to Catholicism so you can be meaner to your hypothetical future wife.

a burly bandit sneaks quietly behind a small bespectacled nerd, cackling to himself "jeez louise, some marks make it too easy! hehe" The bandit's hand inches towards the back pocket of the nerd, the poindexter's wallet sticking out precariously. "Like grabbin' fresh shrimp on a hot buffet," the bandit gloats. Suddenly with a "CHOMP" sound, the bandit's hand is stuck inside the nerd's ass all the way up to the elbow. The bandit cries out in pain "release me from your jaws, you hound of hell!" The nerd, grinning and clenching his fists says "oh how easily, how innocently the fly does enter the spider's web!"

Gripping Tales of True Crime

Associated Press headline and photo: Trump tips DoorDash driver $100 for delivering McDonald's to Oval Office

AP Exclusive: Hamlet Performed at High School, Eight Students Feared Dead

Someone set this to Linkin Park.

We acknowledge that where we gather today is the land and territory of Neil Armstrong.

I'm confused. You say 22 but that's a baby kitten.

It's embarrassing when players can't conceive of their entertainment as a business. Which is not an excuse for anti-consumer practices, but does shed a kind of sterile light on behavior that is pretty easy to understand.

The key to modern politics is having a nose for when a politician is online in the right way.

Snapchat is like one of those radioactive waste warning signs they make to be understood regardless of language.

Hold on, just counting out the number of countries on my hand(s?) to make sure.