Hey man, we cool? I just noticed that when I look at you the reticle turns red.

Ever since I was a little girl I knew I wanted to tell everyone to go fuck themselves and I rescued a cat who wants the same thing

On Twitter InfoWars is posting-thru-it™ and people are confused, thinking @theonion.com has already taken over that account.

in honor of The Onion officially taking over InfoWars, what’s a conspiracy theory you 100% believe?

Michael Jordan was doing the exact same shit as Pete Rose (gambling on games his team played in) during his playing career and Nike+the NBA have…done what it took to keep that quiet.

Future Me: Chin-up kid, eventually this breakup will seem insignificant

Past Me: In light of all the joy I experience?

Future Me: Well it's been great chattin'

Just saw a Grandma sneak a little rip on the vape before walking into Walmart, and I gotta be honest, she looked Sick As Hell.

The first panel shows a crow with the title "How to live a good life". The second panel shows a crow cawing at itself in the mirror with the subheading "Make friends". The next panel says "Explore" and shows a crow looking into a commercial waste bin. The next says "Try new things" with a crow eating something vile. The next one says "Be curious" and shows the crow grabbing a hissing cat's tail". The final frame says "Get a hobby" and shows the crow looking closely at a book of matches.

How To Live A Good Life #oldknees

Video: ‘Homophobic’ 6-Week-Old Baby Cries After Gay Dad Tells Him ‘There Is No Mama’

Maybe we'll keep some InfoWars content up.

3-panel comic. (1) (A person with a picture of a spacecraft behind head.] PERSON 1: There are now three spacecraft headed to Europe: NASA’s *Europa Clipper*, which will investigate Europa’s subsurface ocean, (2) [Person is gesturing at a picture of a different spacecraft while talking to a person with a ponytail and a person with short hair.] PERSON 1: ESA’s *Jupiter Icy Moons Explorer*, which will study the topography and chemistry of Europa and the other moons, (3) [Person with a picture behind head of a Zamboni with a rocket launcher underneath] and the NHL’s *Zamboni Voyager*, which plans to resurface Europa. PERSON FROM OFF-PANEL: Oh no. PERSON 1: We tried to stop them, but the league is set on an expansion.

Europa Missions

xkcd.com/3234/

The edible gravel in my neighbor's driveway tastes awful. He keeps telling me "stop eating that, it's not edible". What kind of edible gravel isn't edible?

Telling my school crush she can borrow my pencil even though it's a fresh BIC #2. My best one

Playing a hilarious prank on my future self by throwing a plate of beans straight up in the air

France should build another Statue of Liberty that's 100 feet taller.

you get better drugs faster if you lie

Practicing lucid dreaming so I can enjoy hot dogs 24hrs per day

Hell, I'd happily settle for most

The National Organization for the Awareness of Blowjob applauds your efforts on behalf of their, and let's face it, ALL of OUR, cause.

Hey, Beshear, Lis Smith, & associated Majority Dem-types:

If you want to kill group-speak, how about we start with “officer-involved shooting,” “ice agent involved-shooting,” “weaponized vehicle” & other mealy-mouthed obfuscations of state-sanctioned murder?

There's like five minutes before my hash browns are ready. I'mma need you to take that negativity wayyy over there

It is a time of rebirth

Extremely normal and fine for a company to put this in a public statement

Cause we're all swimming in a fishbowl of corporate media created by billionaires

A large white waterfowl with orange feet stands in front of a door. On the door is a cardboard sign secured with tape that reads, "DO NOT LET THE DUCK IN." Adding insult to injury, I think the duck might be a goose.

Whatever you do,

Concur

I think he's mostly fine, but doesn't have the charisma to back up what a troll he is and ends up generating a bunch of needless noise. Lots of both sidesing and super jaded. Better in small doses when the topic needs a cynic.

god gives his rattliest shopping carts to his most impatient soldiers

Does anyone want to talk about weird noises we heard in the night and wildly speculate about the origins of those noises

Michael crichton was 6'9" when he wrote Jurassic park. Imagine the dinosaur adventure Robert Wadlow could have wrote. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (6'1"): The Lost World (1912) Michael crichton (6'9"): Jurassic park Robert Wadlow (8'11"): ???????????

So the Clean Power Plan was never implemented. Now, want to hear something funny?

The targets in the Clean Power Plan -- for growth in clean energy, for retirements of dirty energy -- were exceeded. Before the deadline. *Without the reg being passed.*