um.. i saw mcr with my own two eyes. i dont know what to do..

amnesia 👎
amnesia of an alter leaving me a treat and i get a fun surprise 😀😀😁

whenever my gf is around and i start to switch or feel fuzzy i find myself thinking something like “please protect me” and trying to seek comfort by holding her hand or something if i can manage to grab her… why is it kind of scary… dont like that 😐

like somebody could basically do anything to me in that moment and what can i do? i can hardly move, speaking is VERY difficult… and sometimes it lasts for quite a while. my gf timed one of my switches once and i thought it was 1-2 minutes but it was 10 minutes. of just complete vulnerability… scary

i never see anybody talk about how switching can be kinda frightening sometimes… like when im that dissociated i have very little control over my body or at least it takes a ridiculous amount of effort to move or speak and i feel so insanely VULNERABLE. it can be scary to feel that lack of control

me* got ME groceries

anyways gf got my groceries even tho i told her not to i do not deserve her i love her so so so much <333

damn is bro ok what happened last night

its like i literally cannot do anything. i have to sleep to stop the paranoia and seeing shadows but then brain says sleep=death so now im just stuck . im so sick of this brain i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this brain. im so tired . im so tired

i was so hot a second ago now im so cold am i dying

yet again my brain is insisting that if i go to sleep i will not wake up.. i knoow this is ocd. but that doesnt stop me from believing it. i am so so sick and tired of this brain

ill have to sleep with the lights on

i need to sleep beforethis gets worse

took out trash at 1am. and then ?????????? and then it was 2am

i do not remember what i did from 1am-2am . it is 3:25am now..

i feel like i cant breathe again yaay i need to sleep or somefbjng

i forgot i also heard a noise once i closed the door like somebody outside but it was so quiet before was somebody following me what if i really was being watched and fhey followed me

so its going pretty well

then i wrote down a series of traumatic memories that i have never written down or told anyone about before. now i am so dissociated that nothing feels real and i feel like i am floating and trapped in a fishtank full of fog and i am struggling to make sense of the words as im writing them

a shadow waiting for me at the top of the stairs peaking over the railing. i jump and it disappears. another at the end of the hall standing very still. i jump and it disappears. another by my door. theyre moving too fast, they wont stop appearing. i run inside and barricde the door. then dissociate

i cant take the trash out at 1am people will think i murdered someone. but i might die. so i got dressed and went downstairs and threw it out as quickly as possible. no problems except that the halls are so quiet its creepy. as soon as i started climbing back up the stairs i started seeing shadows

forgot to take the trash out today and noticed around 1am that it smelled gross. bagged it up and tied it so i’d remember in the morning. but then i remember that sometimes people die when they inhale mold. i started to get dizzy and panicky

don’t think my brain is doing too well

do u have to down a beer to make a phone call or are u normal

holy fuck i just remembered we’re seeing violent femmes too oh my god

and new icon cos its from my fave mcr show yaay ..wait maybe watching that again could fix me

cant die cos seeing mcr next month maybe i just focus on that

this reads like a therapy exercise lmfao

& want to go get drunk instead

to do:
-tidy up Everything
-a lot of dishes (least fav chore)
-wash sheets (other least fav)
-go grocery shopping
-laundry
-probably more

slowing me down:
-body heavy with grief
-$20 in bank acc
-stress abt visitors
-keep seeing ppl die and horrible shit whenever i open any social
-so hot out