My Slowpoke in Pokemon Sleep. I named him Winston.

Since playing Pokemon Sleep, I have stopped opening my phone from 11pm till I wake in the morning.

This has meant I need to buy a torch to handwrite my dreams into a physical journal during the night, thus, sending me back to the oughts.

Feel like the waitress was told she wasn't allowed to say "popsicle." She put it on the table, on a plate, and said "um, can I get you uuuuuh knife and fork ooor"

And I said "nah think we'll just rawdog it thanks." And she broke and laughed as she walked away.

I went to a high class restaurant and got a dessert the waitress couldn't describe except to say it was a frozen Indian dessert in rose flavour.

It came out and it was frozen sweet rose ice cream on a stick. A popsicle.

Delicious, but definitely a cylindrical sweet sucky sucky on a stick.

Me: Since I saw those women in wedding attire protesting femicide, I now see all bridal garb as funeral wear, and all brides are pacman ghosts.

The cafe worker: trying not to laugh as he cleared a nearby table

Protip: if you experience sleep paralysis, you can hyperventilate to break yourself out of it.

Start breathing hard and fast. It won't be pleasant, but now you have a choice between being stuck and being winded but not stuck 😅

A slowbro and Lapras combined. The shape is a Lapras, with the shell on its back being a shelder. The colouring and facial expressions are the slowbro.

A meganium crossed with a Lapras. The shape is Lapras and the colouring and face are maganium, with a plant on the shell.

A meganium crossed with a Dragonair. The shape is Dragonair with the colouring and traits being meganium.

The urge to combine all my favourite pokemon into one, give it a mega, z move, dynamax, tera, and several regional forms to create an absolute TRAINWRECK of a thing.

(There was also a meganium musharna)

WAIT THAT'S HOW YOU PRONOUNCE LIEUTENANT?!

"What's it called when people are like, friends but not?"
"Ah! Lovers!"
"Ok so, Freud and Jung were lovers."

(The word was contemporaries)

WAIT THAT'S HOW YOU PRONOUNCE LIEUTENANT?!

I think I'm part of a conspiracy.

Honestly, I'm just so excited to be part of something.

5 ways I'm cutting costs rn:
1. Polyamory
2. No more toast with my avocado
3. Send my kids to the battle royale
4. Selling my body (deferred maintenance)
5. Squat in the vacant Wellington CBD shops

Can't tell if the strong small on this bus is weed, sweat, or that specific smell that comes from a gladwrapped ham sandwich 🤢

Welcome to Battle of the Bands 🎉

Here's your helmet and an AR-15.

Made a poll asking if people had imaginary friends as children. 4/5 comments said something like "I wanted an imaginary friend so bad, I just pretended I had one."

😅 What do they think an imaginary friend is 😅

5 things about the new religion I'm starting:
1. We aim to spend 50% of our time asleep
2. 3am is sacred time for zoomies
3. Stew
4. Weekly book club
5. Oh and the sex and death pacts. Should probably mention those.

5 things to do if you woke up in year 9 with all your current memories:
1. Teach everyone that until you're 17, punishments aren't real
2. Sleep
3. Probably still fail math lol
4. Never date boys
5. Pre-plagerize the Beatles

Daddy dom with daughter issues

I've had huge success with sleeping to the sound of "singing" frozen lakes if anyone is wondering what's like whale song but less scary:

youtu.be/8dvR_9_jsv4?...

AAAAAAH they're double the price from last time 😭

Prolly give it a miss this time sorry

5 Jamunji traps:
- a Rube Goldberg machine that eggs, batters, and fries you
- hot singles in your area
- bees
- oh no, the bees are sexy now
- repeatedly stepping on a rake and grimacing dramatically

I feel like the difference between Now and Other Times is that the youngs agree with the olds that every part of everything is pretty shit and was better before.

Usually that’s an exclusive Old Position.

The olds don’t actually know how to handle young folk being like “Yeah fucking absolutely.”

The me in my fevered liminal dream began OOOOOIIIIIIRRRRREKEKEKEKing along like it was a song.

Sings “wrap me in snakes” to the tune of Take Me to Church

Getting coffee with my ex next week, at her request, a year after she broke up with me.

And I'm wondering what the adult way to tell someone "I can't be your friend again because I already told my mum what you did" is.

Haven't slept well in days. Thought, oh I'll try listening to whale song.

In my present state, it feels like I'm a corpse in the Titanic, listening to all the ghosts moaning, stuck in the memory of the end of life.

😶

Wiley, my tabby cat, sleeps on a blanket with his leg outstretched and his head tucked under in full relaxation mode.

Wiley, curled up on my bed with his eyes closed. Fbd light hits his fur so he looks soft and silky. He was purring.

He's got surgery on Thursday. I thought he was anxious because of next door renovations, but then his breath got a bit stinky and I took him to the vet. This was him after his first round of pain meds and wet food 🥲🫠

Kapiti Timtam 🤢

4. Lopsided rascal

My professional diagnosis is that your shape is changing and soon, you will break out of this current shell to reveal a new, more ominous self.

6. Got an IUD in the vaunted house