My rustic ass garland is up and it’s here to remind you we only have 11 days left until the arrival of the big man himself (bob odenkirk) and his 3-word catchphrase (my little women)

If your reaction to my life announcement in a group text is to call me directly, then you are out of the group text, and also my good graces

KEEP HONKING I’m listening to Dwight Yoakam’s 1993 hit FAST AS YOU and I’m driving RECKLESSLY because I’m still MAD at my HIGH SCHOOL BOYFRIEND when I listen to it

I know we talk a lot about how the sims made us weird but I appreciate that it prepared me for a lifetime of telling people to go to bed

In hindsight we maybe should have known about jk Rowling from the gender policing magical staircases she put in all the girls dorms

Me, 10:00am: haha I’m gonna listen to 90s country while I clean, so random

Me, 10:02am: STRAWBERRY WIIIINE
SEEEEEVENTEEN

You come to me on this, the day of your bachelorette trip, and you ask me to do a cold plunge????

Two baby giraffes are missing from the Natural Bridge Zoo. The state alleges former zoo owner threatened to shoot veterinarians and current owner hoped one giraffe expert would be killed. The state seized animals from the privately owned Rockbridge County zoo in 2023, but the giraffes have proven difficult to move. Court filings detail a legal saga and outline allegations of threats…

I need timothee chalamet as bob dylan to write an 11-minute song about the natural bridge zoo’s giraffe litigation saga

CEOs using genAI to spit out copy like: “Stop Scrolling! 👀”

Millennial gays when the Gen Z gays want to go out all month

Idk what I did to make the algorithm think I want a shirt with the word tits on it but I scroll past 20+ per day

I wrote this about the perfect crime

Me on r/gardening for the first time having already planted trailing blackberries right next to my house

Is gifting a live plant a. a lovely gesture or b. like giving someone homework for their birthday? Discuss

Roses are red
Violets are blue

Finally pagans have something to celebrate on st Patrick’s day 😭🌈

My latest for @hardtimesshows.bsky.social with love and respect to people from Massachusetts

Me showing my exact age in the way I talk about watching SNL for the first time

Trail mix was invented for freaks like me who don’t want to admit they have a thing for salty fruit

I guess reading a book on why millennials have anxiety while listening to my comfort music—rilo kiley’s the execution of all things—kind of answers my own question

Alt millennial women collectively trying to decide if we’ve taken the curly hobbit shag haircut thing too far

I didn’t believe in dream jobs until I watched Hannah Berner give handfuls of fake cash to beautiful women for being funny

I am enticed less by the weird glamour of football and more by its many group hugs

if your beans didn't soften while cooking it's not because you salted too early. it's not because you added too much acid. it's not because the beans are too old. it's because you're impure of heart and the beans Know

Quiet quitting is one of those things that’s hard to explain but you know it when you see it

Lately I have known a weariness beyond my years

This looks like a roster of guys I've had to ban from open mics.