Thanks for putting Comedian after your name so I know.

George Washington Carver (about to invent peanut butter): these little guys are tasty, I wish I could stick them to the roof of my mouth

As soon as the tide comes back in it's over for you beaches.

When I lie down my brain erases like an etch a sketch and I am free

Contributing to the chaos this Black Friday by telling customers that all of our products are 60% on

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

I would suffer multiple internal server errors for you.

It’s not the voices in my head that tell me to kill. It’s my neighbor’s wind chimes.

The 😂 emoji is for the left. The 🤣 emoji is for the right. I dont make the rules

If you ever feel down about a break up, just remember that in the 90s Jewel was dumped because she left her towels on the floor

Alexa, go lick Satan’s nutsack.

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

Moist people can overlook the occasional typo.

So good, friend ☺️

The timeline of microwave popcorn:

< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential

🐐

THERAPIST: tell me more about the time in your life when you were breeding baby goats

ME: I was just kidding lmao

THERAPIST: *screams*

Why indeed

I don't delete my bad posts because why should I suffer alone.

What are we calling blue sky posts? Bleets? Skeets?