My house has a reverse Cinderella situation happening. I have a lot of abandoned clothes, if they fit you, you can keep them.

I’ve been to 45 states plus PR and Guam. The worst one is Idaho and it’s the people.

Technically your guts are a corn maze.

I met someone. They don’t know I exist but I met them.

Awful lotta speed bumps out there

I’ve healed from a lot of things but watching SNL alone is not one of them.

The Nazareth 13

Grief makes us strangers, even to ourselves

When it’s this cold outside I think for the entire month of February everywhere should just have chili on tap and available for $3 a cup.

We should make out with everyone we find attractive at least once. Maybe they’re the best at it and we don’t even know!?

Come over.
“Who’s all there?”

I was sharing my location to my Mom and as I was searching the contact Soccer Mommy came up and I almost sent her my location so she’d know I would be 5 mins late to the funeral.

Long enough I should be much better at it. 1995

A radio station just announced a Train show and I don’t know if it’s the kind for austitics or wine moms?

…and you will know me by the trail of mismatched energy

I’m gonna bring back text signatures just to say “I ain’t reading all that”

I just want to tour outside of America constantly and never have to think about this place.

I’m so fucking scared right now.

I applied for a salaried production job and got a zoom interview on Thursday.

Facebook: guess which dummy you’ve met in your life is suddenly anti-vax and yet not dead from smallpox?

Cancelled.

If eggs are gonna cost that much they should at least have some color and flavor ffs

“I want your skulls”
Sorry I just have the one and it’s not for sale.

“I need your skulls”
Why? What have you done with the one you got?

Im like a season and a half into Killing Eve and this is just way too much foreplay. I swear to glob if this doesn’t pay off…

I’d rather eat my own face than give a shit about sport

I’m just gonna keep a stash of them in my mailbox. Pick one up on the way out.

Being conservative adds 5-10 years to your dating profile.

Everyone is getting Plan B for Halloween

Hey I found your socks under my bed!

“Those aren’t my socks.”

Yeah, oops. Who the fuck socks are these?

Not the girl downstairs trying to figure out an Adele song on my 1984 Roland JX-3P synthesizer

I’m never calling that shits the Gulf of fucking Amerikkka. The fuck out of here with that nonsense