I Work Very Hard, And I Would Like To Try Cake By A Horse Hello. I am a horse. I work very hard at my job of being a horse. When humans say move the heavy thing, I move the heavy thing. When humans sit on top of me and pull on my head, I carry them where they want to go. The main food the humans give me is hay and oats. But I am thinking it would be nice to have a different food. I am thinking I would like to try cake. Yes, yes. Cake. I know all about it. When humans eat cake, it is in glad times. It is the food for a celebration, such as when a woman becomes 47. I have seen cake on the Fourth of July. When humans have a cake, they stand around it and clap hands and smile and say happy birthday at each other. Sometimes there are beautiful markings on a cake, such as balloons or a pink shape. Sometimes the top of a cake is on fire and a boy must blow on the fire with mouth wind. This is the scariest cake. I do not want this kind. But I will eat any other cake. Any cake that is not the fire cake that tries to kill the boy. Please understand: I do not get money for doing work. I do not get to go inside the house. All I am either doing my horse job or standing in my pen or eating food off the floor. I always do these things. But I have never once gotten cake and I would like it very much. I have noticed that human children get to eat cake. But I am bigger than the children. I am more helpful to the farm. Children do not move the heavy things like me or let anyone ride on them. And yet they get cake. Maybe the humans will realize this. Maybe they will say, "You know who deserves cake? That horse. That horse whose back we are always on." Every day I dream about what it will be like if I get to eat cake. Here is what will happen. First, I will walk to the cake and putt my nose at it like hrrfff to make and stomping my hooves to make sure it is not a snake. Then I will trot in a circle to show that I am a horse and I am large. After that, I will nuzzle the cake to …

The horse op-ed is an instant classic. I can't tell you how much joy this piece gives me.

It should be taught in every introductory writing class in no small part because the horse arguments are so compelling. "I have noticed that human children get to eat cake. But I am bigger than the children."

Drive's a bit long, maybe another time.

Realis A new tabletop roleplaying game by Austin Walker

REALIS IS LIVE! After 5 years of development, countless hours of playtesting, and invaluable ashcan feedback, the hardcover edition of @austinwalker.bsky.social's debut TTRPG Realis is now funding on Kickstarter April 1-30. Learn more & back the campaign today at www.kickstarter.com/projects/cru...!

I don’t do “movie posters as wall hangings,” but when this came into my life, I made an exception.

Pre-orders will close on Tuesday March 31 so I can begin production.

Last chance.

Mediocre club DJ died, went to heaven, and has a lot to tell you.

Chronically wrong guy gets embarrassed, makes sure that doesn’t happen again.

A day in the life of a typical 80s high schooler (on an uneventful school day).

What if I bought a house? No, that’s a silly idea, too much maintenance.

One of the greatest things about Sparks is that they’re infinitely playlistable. No matter the vibe, they have a track.

And all-Sparks lists allows shuffling and the recontextualization of the whole library into new narratives:

Unattractive man grows ‘stache, loves and gets married (to himself).

Dawg. You’re making the right argument, but doing it in a very confusing place. This is the account that tells us not to feed children magnets.

Found the person who hasn’t figured out how to get birdsong and flowers for free 😂

Hit an Industry Function in Santa Monica last night and overheard a self-described “hat bitch who smokes analogue” (white woman wearing a hat with a cig) talk about how she’s considering moving to Dubai but having some serious hangups… because she doesn’t love the view.

Left after that one. Woof.

Stop worrying about what YA books to let your kids read and let them sort it out with V C Andrews and cocaine era Stephen King as God intended

fun reminder:

the reason why they make these fucking pointless "live action" remakes is because since it's "live action", the animation is considered "vfx" and not character animation, so they can pay these non-unionized satellite studios fuck-all and make a cool few million for essentially nothing

Drop a movie that traumatized you as a child

Done plenty of loooooong road trips, but longest single shot was Virginia Beach to Minneapolis during a spring storm, with an overnight detour through the Appalachians. 2 drivers, 26 hours, only stopped for gas.

M, K, F in that order.

Advocate: J.K. Rowling uses Harry Potter wealth to fund anti-transgender organization.

You absolutely cannot separate the artist and the art without contributing to the persecution of trans people. Boycott everything Potter.

Jarrett, Renee, and RJ City

Look it’s @mysterywrestling.bsky.social’s own Old London Lightning @rjcity.bsky.social

A wide shot of a stadium wrestling show (AEW Revolution at Crypto dot com arena) to the left of the frame is the production booth and hard cam.

Whaddup from the booth

Reporting live from the merch line at AEW Revolution: it is long. More at 4.

The Les Mis soundtrack mixed with the 1812 Overture, just blasting on a PA system 24/7. That’s what the 7-11 by the donut spot in my neighborhood started doing, and no pin traders have shown up since.

It was never about the children.

Teenagers in the mid 2000s sitting on a park bench near Thomas Hill Standpipe in front of a grove of trees. Context for the uninitiated: this is a spot where Stephen King wrote It, and is a location featured in the novel as well.

Got the call, package received! He’s psyched. The biggest King fan I know, like we took cross-country road trips to Bett’s Books in Bangor as childhood summer vacations, with excursions to Yarmouth and all sorts of cemeteries. Here’s my brother and me as kids, sitting on the bench near the birdbath!

The promise of a beer and ballgame in the near future is doing a lot of emotional heavy lifting these days.

i'm taking a brave stance that may get me canceled: there is no reason for the pervert glasses to exist

Snagging one for my dad!!

The second you leave this country for even a few days, you realize the place you call home is decaying at an almost exponential pace. The realization that you don't have to live like this is stark, and that nobody in power is taking tangible actions to fix it in your lifetime is even starker.

I say this with as much vitriol as I can

Fuck shareholders