Pope ’em if you got ’em

I’m very skeptical of Build-A-Bear. You can’t just make a bear out of stuff that isn’t already a bear. Some things are unbearable

a pair of loving parents looked down at their baby boy and said "Walton Goggins" and they were right

My jokes are second to none. They are, however, third to many

Drilling for water can be difficult. You need to be well trained

They Might Be Standing on the Shoulders of Giants

Bob Dylan looking at the screen at the airport, watching flights get delayed: oh the times, they are a-changin’

Many remember John Carpenter’s classic 1988 film They Live as a masterpiece, but few recall its box office bomb of a sequel, They Laugh. Fewer still are aware of the series’ underwhelming direct-to-video conclusion, They Love

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but only if you throw it at him hard enough.

“Potable water” is such a scam. Bro ANY kind of water will fit in a pot. It’s WATER

You’re gonna let bygones be bygones? Not me. I’m turning bygones into something else entirely. A casserole perhaps

Enough equivocating. Are they or are they not giants?

Punctuation can be dangerous. There are readers who have gotten stuck in a comma for years

On some days I despair of EVER flipping out of a helicopter onto a speeding car and I don’t even look back as the helicopter explodes 😔

Remember, it’s New Year’s Eve, not New Year’s Steve

Superman’s powers originate from his wise investments in Kryptocurrency

Many people are deep frying their turkeys this week and most of them will do it wrong. If you thaw the turkey before putting it in the pot of boiling oil, it will overcook the center and your turkey will be ruined. You need to put it in DIRECTLY from the freezer for the best results.

Barcelona - Madrid used to be one of the busiest air routes in the world. After high speed rail there's only 1/3rd as many flights and 4x more travellers use HSR than fly.

Alright, time to go viral on this app! Every time I see this image posted it has thousands of likes so it will certainly work this time as well

Thinking of getting into wreaking. Is there anything that can be wreaked besides havoc and vengeance?

Who called it getting stoned instead of gazing into the cannabyss?

Oh you think I’ve shown my true colors now? Wrong. Those were also false colors. This next set of colors I’ve got might be true or false but you have no idea which. It’s basically like unmasking a Scooby-Doo villain with me

You think you’ve got one over on me with your arcane and deceptive Terms of Service? Think again. The joke is on you. I will now receive the Service on certain Terms when I would still have accepted it with no Terms at all. I would have surrendered unconditionally

If God closes a door and then opens a window, I’m just opening the door again. I’m not climbing through any fucking windows.

My bluesky account is basically like if my twitter account took the substance

Xi Jinping high-speed train meme

Our BlueSky is now going at the speed of 400 followers per account!! Thank you all 🙏

I’ll have you know that I’m one of the only living descendants of Mitochondrial Eve. So, show some fucking respect!!!

I tried to commit to the bit, but couldn’t. There were unresolved conflicts. Got into a bad state somehow and ended up having to do a hard reset of the bit before merging my branch back in

This app sucks, I’m moving to BlueSky. You can find me there