Skunk on my porch.

Ope! We've got a stinky baby alert!

Fun Fact: The original Marlboro Man, Bob Norris, did not smoke but died from cigarettes anyway when an unopened pack of Marlboro Reds, high on PCP, broke into his home and kicked him to death.

Allow me to inflict some psychic damage on y'all for a moment...

🎵 Bom bom, wup wup wup bom bom! Bom bom, wup wup wup bom bom!🎵

Earth Day and Earth Appreciation Week seem like toadying don't they? I mean, of course we have to appreciate it, we live on it and it regularly kills many of us just doing its normal activities.

Don't be an Earth simp; play is cool just a little bit.

😂 I'm helping!

Are you a baker who is having a bad day? Did you bake something that you don't want anyone to ever see?

Call me; I will eat your mistakes.

Weird icing? No problem! Crumb didn't turn out? GREAT!

Burnt on the bottom? Too much salt? Maybe fell on the ground?

Call me! I will eat your shame.

I'll let you know... soon.

Utensil shuriken!

I don't get what's so great about AI.

I'm right here. Ask me a question and I will chug a gallon of water and confidently provide a wrong answer.

I just learned a Scottish joke.

Q: How do you know if a cow's going on holiday?

A: It's got a wee calf.

Vegan mayo (Best Foods Plant Based Mayo, it's the only acceptable one), little sea salt and black pepper, on the middle slices of a San Luis sourdough round (the longboys), slightly toasted but still chewy.

4th day straight of eating an heirloom tomato sandwich for lunch and this is me truly living my best life.

Finally got a battery tender for my motorcycle but honestly it's still pretty chewy. #motorcycle

I saw a video from my local paper (!) where a man on a motorcycle was saying that it wasn't quite as cost effective to use a motorcycle lately since gas prices have shot up from $4.99/g to $5.75/g.

Filling up is now $11.50 for his motorcycle instead of $10.

And he was complaining on the news. 😐

It's the bear, right there! He's the bear! Or is it the industry maybe?

I use the oven to cook up my Totinos Party Pizza instead of steaming it in the microwave.

Currently, it's 2 mini taco salads and 1 nacho supreme dip with a large baja blast zero.

Historically, it's 2 cheesy bean and rice burritos + 1 bean and cheese burrito, swap red sauce for green (hulk style) plus a large baja blast zero.

Your body's hunger and health cores are topped up, but your vigor core (aka "salt") is way low, so you're not regenerating your internal power which is why you feel off; try smoking a cigar, drinking some whiskey, or eating salted meats.

Nextdoor became way less fun when they stopped allowing GIF reactions to peoples' petty squabbles and whining.

Oh that sucks. I'm sorry for your loss.

I had one about a coworker once and it really destroyed my cool around this person for like a year. Oof. Why, brain?

Pretty rich coming from a hot dog.

LinkedIn is truly a hellscape of AI worship and shit posting.

"If there's one thing the ending to Grand Theft Auto V taught me about B2B sales..."

No matter what happens in this crazy world, most people will keep misspelling "rogue" as "rouge".

The know there's a "u" in there and, by god, they're going to put it in there.

🎵
Who's that ridin'
John the Escalator?
Who's that ridin'
John the Escalator?
Tell me who's that ridin'
John the Escalator?
Rode him up to the
Second floo-oor.
🎵

At the El Rio in SF for a harm reduction event.

I know that it's going to sound like I'm shilling for the medical industrial complex and Big Pharma but:

Maybe... doctor?

Girls word floating above what I can only assume are some girls.

Uh oh.

Watching my son have a quiet conniption as I continue to pronounce "Oreo" as "Oh-RAY-Oh".