I’m often labeled as a misogynist for telling women to smile but what they don’t realize is I’m telling just as many men the same thing. I just think we all need to smile more.

It’s so awkward when one of my victims becomes a martyr

There should be a device you can attach to your spouse that will automatically initiate divorce proceedings if they break their vows

All 8 billion people should get matching tattoos known as ‘The Human Tattoo’

Didn’t realize this was what they called rail workers

Something I've learned over the years is you really can't go wrong with politics. Left, Right, Center--they're all good

I wonder if anyone in Epstein's circle was ever like, "Hey guys, should we really be taking this many pictures?"

I really enjoy the implication of caution tape spattered with blood. It’s like that the cops were called for an initial murder but in the time since they showed up, even more violent acts have occurred near the original crime scene.

How did the police know to check for that?

Pretty crazy how good this part of the body feels during sexual intercourse

People at my church are starting to get irritated with me because God has been answering all my prayer requests recently and ignoring all of theirs

Hope I can find gorgeous ones. Don’t wanna have to settle for beautiful or amazing

My wife and children are an entire ass vibe

What ladies are the best at kissing these days? My buddies and I are looking for some girlfriends

Sorry, Swifties but being the eldest daughter is a fucking cakewalk compared to being the youngest son. Spending your whole life proving that you’re not just “the baby” is a fate I wouldn’t wish on my worst foe.

Go ahead and keep celebrating, MAGA folks

Fuck I love college

Making the city a little more accessible for tall folks

It’s kinda crazy being a nerd. Sometimes I’ll just be sitting around minding my own business and then randomly think of something insanely smart

It can be rude to ask someone “where are you from?” So I instead opt for “what’s your deal, racewise?”

After getting married, what's the courteous amount of time to wait before beginning your first affair?

Mansions are a great option for folks who don't mind sacrificing a bit of the coziness that comes with more traditional style homes.

Nothing like a cheeseburger if you’re a hungry American

My penis is tea today

What's the best old folks home? I got a sweet little granny that I urgently need out of my sight.

You’re a comedian, actor, and a writer? How do you juggle all that?

Me: Soo… any pregnancies lately?

My Wife: Just our forthcoming daughter

Me: oh yes, of course. That should be nice

I bet some insane shit happens on peninsulas...Imagine having an island mindset without having to contend with the responsibilities of geographic isolation. That, my friend, is a recipe for a reckless culture if i've ever seen one.

We used to have Johnny Cash, now the closest thing we have is country recording star Jimmy Credit.

We used to have Steve Jobs. Now? Tech entrepreneur Stellan Gigs.

We used to have Bob Hope but our biggest comedian these days: Bill Cope.

Snobs have exquisite taste, I just wish they didn't have to be so rude about it