yet nobody talking about betamaxxing

ive known a lot of stoners and I think they smoke pot on the not 420 days too

It's sandwich pickles for dinner again kids

I love going to barbecue restaurants. I'm not a connoisseur or anything I just like to say pulled pork.

I’m having a lot of feelings. Please stand back.

I have decided not to get out of bed until I have a grandson who can win me a golden ticket.

i like that dogs and cats can find unity in something as simple as hating squirrels

*hears doorbell*.
Honey? The hallucinations are here!

livin my life like a sitcom character in the wind

nothing I say means anything and yet I would like you to take it seriously

You can’t spell wisdom without dumb.

Did you know that therapy takes more than one appointment? Just found out and i am LIVID

Plot twist: rats and spiders are repulsed by us

My safe word is “Andretti is slowing on the backstretch.”

Me (knowing I cannot remember anyone's name when I meet them): Hi, what's your name?

Them: (incomprehensible name sounds)

Me (still not knowing their name): nice to meet you

Me, visibly uncomfortable: they told me beans give you gas

My mechanic: not like that. How did you fit so many into your gas tank?

I tried watching "Panic Room" but I couldn't get into it.

I'm always super careful with my whispers, actually.

My soulmate is out there finishing fries that could’ve been shared with me

I am looking for a serious relationship. Servere. Sober. Austere. Preferably with a man in mourning.

Spiders are the original fly fishermen.

"You can't win, if you don't play."
-Powerball marketing gimmick

"Even if you do play, it's more likely you won't win."
- Powerball reality

"I'll take 10 tickets, please."
- me, more than likely.

me: I just finished a book on how to be less of an asshole

her: well, that’s music to my ears

me: so . . . “music”?

her:

me: maybe I can get my money back

This day in history. 1839. The Treaty of London was signed between the major European powers, the Netherlands, and Belgium. A little known clause permits British subjects to refer to Belgians as sprouts, phlegms, and bougie Belgian bastards, with impunity.

There’s little that can reduce you to tears quite so exquisitely as the right piece of music at just the right time.

That said, a well timed football to the testicles does come close though.

Five raccoons sit on corner bench seating around a table.

one of us either needs to take grandma to the optometrist or tell her no more cats

A round, fried hors d'oeuvre sits on a plate with a shocked expression. It is surrounded by others like it, except for an empty spot next to it.

“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”

My local gas station must be run by stoners because they’re charging $4.20 today.

[car accident]

Stand back, everyone. I’m no doctor but I have a box of Band-Aids®️ containing every size they make.

So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.