My safe word is “Andretti is slowing on the backstretch.”

Me (knowing I cannot remember anyone's name when I meet them): Hi, what's your name?

Them: (incomprehensible name sounds)

Me (still not knowing their name): nice to meet you

Me, visibly uncomfortable: they told me beans give you gas

My mechanic: not like that. How did you fit so many into your gas tank?

I tried watching "Panic Room" but I couldn't get into it.

I'm always super careful with my whispers, actually.

My soulmate is out there finishing fries that could’ve been shared with me

I am looking for a serious relationship. Servere. Sober. Austere. Preferably with a man in mourning.

Spiders are the original fly fishermen.

"You can't win, if you don't play."
-Powerball marketing gimmick

"Even if you do play, it's more likely you won't win."
- Powerball reality

"I'll take 10 tickets, please."
- me, more than likely.

me: I just finished a book on how to be less of an asshole

her: well, that’s music to my ears

me: so . . . “music”?

her:

me: maybe I can get my money back

This day in history. 1839. The Treaty of London was signed between the major European powers, the Netherlands, and Belgium. A little known clause permits British subjects to refer to Belgians as sprouts, phlegms, and bougie Belgian bastards, with impunity.

There’s little that can reduce you to tears quite so exquisitely as the right piece of music at just the right time.

That said, a well timed football to the testicles does come close though.

Five raccoons sit on corner bench seating around a table.

one of us either needs to take grandma to the optometrist or tell her no more cats

A round, fried hors d'oeuvre sits on a plate with a shocked expression. It is surrounded by others like it, except for an empty spot next to it.

“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”

My local gas station must be run by stoners because they’re charging $4.20 today.

[car accident]

Stand back, everyone. I’m no doctor but I have a box of Band-Aids®️ containing every size they make.

So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.

i meant to eat a handful of blueberries but i accidentally on purpose ate a sleeve of Oreos oopsy my bad 😬

[5pm in the Fillmore White House]

It’s Millard Time!

Nothing brings on nap time faster than watching a marathon. I work in inverse proportion to those who exert effort.

How many times do I have to be reminded not to wear white shirts when I go out for dinner, the sequel

OWN YOUR PUNS. INTEND THEM.

(In an alternate dimension where the word bullshit has been replaced by the word Jeff)

You're not going to Jeff your way out of this one

We hit a bump and now everyone on the bus knows that my briefcase is just filled with hotdogs

I have really flaky skin, and I love it because I feel like a scratch off lottery ticket

Disappointed to learn Wolf Spiders don’t hunt in packs and howl at the moon.

i'm busy trademarking some refreshing, naturally-flavored sparkling pants called La Corduroix

Many of you have been very supportive this last month while I’ve lost my mind prepping to move. THANK YOU!
From the bottom of my heart, you’re the best.
No, not you. The other guy.

Sorry it took me so long to reply, I was googling everything you said.

I would have been a great teacher if they still let you threaten kids with a stick.