Just kissed my wife right on the lips for Valentine's

Woowee, can't wait to see her again next year!

The curtains open— a man stands smiling on the stage, giving a friendly wave to the crowd. Another man charges at him from off stage right, slicing him in two with a katana, for realsies. The audience erupts with laughter. The curtains close.

Need to send a package through the mail bc I'm bored but can't bc of all the snow and frickin ice #WOKE

Ye

ChatGPY, my pee is Gatorade blue, explain how this isn't a problem NOW

I peed out a small piece of pepperoni into a urinal at an arcade in McKinney TX when I was a child and nobody will believe me. They all think I'm crazy

Just received a large inheritance from my ghoulish parents. Enough for a ripe banana or two and and a nice stint in the fuck oh fuck I am so out of ideas at this point, pls like this skeet my family is starving.

Scrapping everything right fucking now

I'm looking and I see

It's okay to abandon your family so that you can write the great American Novel

dressing as a mysterious werewolf and reading by myself in the corner

going to the local romantasy book store several times as a straight man

I’m here u fuckass

Yesterday, I uploaded the ISO image of one of the rarest videogames known to exist, of which a single copy is known to exist in the online world. After years of appeals, its owner finally agreed to share it with me so that I could in turn share it with the world.

I'm going to be a father 🥹

Epigenetic memories of Detroit, MI

i know people say autism can't be cured because it's not a disease but i think we should try curing it by giving every autistic person five million dollars in cash

god forbid a divorced dad catches a vibe at the club

What are we, a bunch of Asians??

thankee!

typical, *sigh* you passed out back there friend, you seem okay but those bandits took your lollipop, yada yada

Looking at bluesky rn

They're doing this to me every single day

The weather report in Dubai is just a guy dressed as the sun whispering "Forever" into the camera for an entire minute.

Not being able to blow people up with your mind is a form of torture

Despite all my rage I am still just Nicolas Cage

Finally faced my fears and I am no longer afraid of Chinese dragons

Nosferatu 2024

They're letting me eat all of this