“If that cat shits in my van, you’re gonna new a new cat.”

He’s not even our cat! 😭

…But he’s now locked up in the pool room where he (is safe and) can’t try to steal the builder’s van again.

Poster for the movie "broke" which has a bunch of pictures of cowboys on it looking like they are in a tragic relationship.

Who else saw this and assumed it was a prequel for Brokeback Mountain?

(...I saw it at a distance and couldn't read the names or make out the faces very well.)

A reminder for all Ireland/UK people: IT’S NOT MOTHER’S DAY THERE. Ours was back in March. Yes, you did already have it this year. You have not forgotten. You are not in trouble. There is no need for distress.

“I really miss winter, rain, and grey skies.”

Every new quote was another punch in the head. What the fuck are we doing as a species right now?

“I’m a lesser being of lower intellect like all of my kind, especially the ones who think otherwise.”

If you truly believe that, why do you bother speaking? You’ve just told us all not to take you seriously. This message could be better conveyed by A Powerful Man, no?

I despair of this timeline.

Google Maps desperately needs a “this road is ass; stop suggesting it to me” feature.

Maybe there are more potholes than road. Maybe your ex lives there. Maybe it’s where the scary clown hangs out. Maybe the police are there a lot. (Maybe those last three are the same guy.)

Whatever.

WE NEED IT.

Me: I would like a waterproof keyboard so I could type stuff in the pool

Me, thirty seconds later, realising what other uses a “waterproof keyboard” could have: …Oh wow I have utterly fucked my recommendations in perpetuity, huh.

Ten doesn’t seem like that many fingers until they are all covered in plaster and need every millimetre scrubbing individually.

My mother tried to throw out my second best mop head, so I had to explain that they operate on a maiden/mother/crone lifecycle that cannot be interrupted.

I am pretty sure she is considering calling the police.

The builder, looking at the broken toilet that can’t be fixed tonight: Oh, well. Shit happens.

Me: If it didn’t, we wouldn’t need toilets.

I’ve peaked, it’s all downhill from here.

I always wonder if cats have the concept of hands vs. feet. When I pet the cat with my foot because my hands are clean/busy, does he consider it different?

"Oh, I'm getting the floor paw now, huh? Your sandwich is more important than I am? I see how it is."

Yes, cancelling plans is like crack, but you ever get into a thread on Reddit where the other person is posting the most unhinged takes so you look up their profile to reassure yourself that the problem isn't you and it turns out that problem is VERY MUCH not you? That shit is heroin.

THROW THEM AWAY?! I'd like to point out that I have lived my entire life without this even occurring to me.

There are two types of people in the world when you are given a box of chocolates: those who eat the ones they don't like first to get them out of the way, and those who eat their favourite first to enjoy them immediately. Which kind are you?

"the size of a large burger"

Americans really will do anything to avoid using the metric system, huh.

I love our timeline! Existing here is simple and not infuriating at all. 🥲

You're overlooking the fact that I'm pretty sure some of these people pre-date the concept of formal schooling.

You ever send a message that reads completely unhinged, but makes perfect sense with context?

You ever see a meme and just be like, "Oh, wow, this is a personal attack tailor made for me...!"

😭

Spock/Kirk is great but where’s the Spock/McCoy episode?

My mom is telling about a cochineal farm and has said the word “Beetlejuice” so often I lost count and now I don’t know if he’s here or get sent back and it’s mad stressful.

"How would you rate your general anxiety level?"

Thirty minutes ago I closed the Chat GPT tab without thanking it, and I still feel guilty, so... Whatever that goes on the scale is where I'm at.

They’re not bad! There are just some real life people I don’t want coming to mind for… Reasons.

This shit gets me from 0 to “Hank Hill Computer Meme” so fucking fast.

I don’t want to download your poxy app! Stop your nonsense!

Coming up with character names as an adult is hard, because it’s like:

Can’t use that; that’s my accountant’s name. That’s my lawyer. My crappy old supervisor. My cousin. Cousin’s kid. Kid’s dog.

I miss when I only knew like 12 guys, and 6 of them were named Jim.

Personally, I would just like a quick guide to making connections on BlueSky when you’re Insufficiently American to retweet yourself without expiring from self-consciousness.

How to check for telepaths in your area—