Announcing the Winners of the 2026 Takoma Torch Satire Writing Contest In Takoma Park, everyone is a winner. But Montgomery Blair High School is not in Takoma Park. Sorry, rules are rules. The winners of 2026 Takoma Torch Satire Writing Contest are as follows: 1st Pla…

The results are in!

Contest Vote!! We would like to sincerely thank the Montgomery Blair High School’s Silver Chips journalists who participated in our satire contest. We hope everyone enjoyed reading these very funny submissi…

Please vote by midnight 4/4!

Contest Submission #5 “No More New Neighbors” By Daneel Kutsenko Generations have passed down homes and the sacred right to suspicion. In many neighborhoods, including Takoma Park, residents talk about property lines not as boundaries but as b…

Contest Submission #5 by Daneel Kutsenko

Contest Submission 4 “NPS Begins New Attorney Elimination Program” By Justin Rosentover Facing an ever growing population of lawyers in the DC area due to the lack of natural predators, the National Park Service has begun a new program to help manage the populatio…

Contest Submission #4 by Justin Rosentover

Contest Submission #3 “New MCPS Policy Regarding Graphite-Based Writing Implements” By Zoe Gorbachev [EXTERNAL] Message from Superintendent Thomas W. TaylorGood afternoon MCPS families,Today we started the process of implementing of the Student Pencil Access Protocol (SPAP), an in…

Submission #3 by Zoe Gorbachev

Contest Submission #2 “Documents Found on Dead Body of DOGE Employee Revealed” By Ada Schwartz Termination notice for Park Ranger Bear Smith, January 22 2025, Dear Mr Smith, We regret to inform you that we will be letting you go as part of DOGE’s efforts to cut government spe…

Submission #2 by Ada Schwartz

Contest Submission #1 “Sligo Creek To Be Filled With Beer For St. Patrick’s Day” By Colm Konyndyk If you’ve been hearing a loud, continuous machine sound recently, that just may be the sound of Montgomery County’s new plans for this upcoming St. Patrick’s day.“We want to celebr…

Submission #1 by Colm Konyndyk

We propose 4 years from now

Takoma Park Residents Concerned Four-Year Terms Could Delay Next Chance to Be Mad TAKOMA PARK, MD – Local residents are expressing alarm over a proposal to extend city council terms from two years to four, warning that the change could significantly delay their next chance…

“I can’t even imagine waiting four whole years before I can send out my annual candidate questionnaire!”

Another Fun-Filled Adventure in Takoma Park...

City Installs AI Cameras To Automatically Ticket ‘Rolling Stops’ at 3‐Minute Public Testimony Limit TAKOMA PARK, MD – After successfully installing AI-powered stop sign cameras across town, the City of Takoma Park has unveiled Phase Two: automated detection of residents making “rollin…

“We’ve seen a dangerous pattern,” said Ward 6 Councilmember Amy Wesolek during a presentation titled Civic Deceleration Compliance Initiative. “People slow down at 2:55, say ‘in conclusion,’ and then introduce three more points about stormwater management concerns. That’s a yield, not a stop.”

Takoma Park Residents Trapped in Extended Council Meeting After Outbreak of ‘The Clap’ TAKOMA PARK, MD – What began as a routine three hour city council meeting reportedly entered hour four Wednesday after audience members were quarantined in their seats amid an aggressive outb…

“Each flare-up lasts 15 seconds,” one observer noted. “Multiply that by 83 speakers and you’ve essentially added a bonus topic to the meeting agenda.”

Invitation to the 7th anniversary of the Takoma Torch

Free cake, free beer and free karaoke! What more could you want on a Saturday night?

Also, @govwesmoore.bsky.social, we hear you're now free on this night. Come sing a song with us!

Saturday, Feb 21st, Downtown Silver Spring American Legion, 6:30pm

Washed up, loser lawyer Rust Giuliani

#TeamRaskin

Takoma Park Announces Status as ‘Nuance-Free Zone’ TAKOMA PARK, MD – Following a decisive 4-3 vote, Takoma Park officially declared itself a “Nuance-Free” zone, ensuring all future debates are conducted without the distraction of …

“Nuance slows progress,” said Deputy City Manager for Values Alignment and Yard Sign Compliance Meredith Kline. “It leads to phrases like ‘It depends,’ which are frankly exclusionary.”

BREAKING: Americans Fucking Thrilled Dry January is Over

MCPS Announces New School Boundaries Bussing Students to Virginia During Winter Months ROCKVILLE, MD – After more than a week of snow days caused by a single snowstorm, Montgomery County Public Schools (MCPS) announced Tuesday that it will temporarily redraw school boundaries t…

Huge announcement from MCPS!

Marc Elrich, Will Jawando Propose ‘Snow Stabilization’ Bill to Limit Amount of Snowfall on Montgomery County ROCKVILLE, MD – Citing the unfair burden that unregulated snowfall places on residents, County Executive Marc Elrich and Councilmember Will Jawando announced a bold new proposal this week tha…

“If your snowfall goes up 12 inches overnight, but your shovel capacity stays the same, that’s not sustainable. That’s gouging.”

Stop Work Order Issued to Children Building Igloo Without Permit TAKOMA PARK, MD – A group of local children building an igloo were issued an immediate stop work order Tuesday after Montgomery County officials responded to anonymous online complaints that …

“One of them said, ‘We're just trying to have some fun.’ I'm sorry, Billy, but there’s nothing fun about structural deficiencies.”

Takoma Park Installs Little Free Snow Shovel Libraries to Express Compassion for Thieves TAKOMA PARK, MD – In an effort to offer restorative justice after multiple reports of snow shovels being stolen from front porches, city officials announced plans to install Little Free Snow …

“If someone takes your shovel, that’s not a crime. It’s a conversation. Preferably one you have with yourself about abundance.”

Vigil Planned to Mourn Destruction of Window on Cockerille Avenue TAKOMA PARK, MD – City activists announced plans Sunday night for a candlelight vigil honoring the shattered front window of a Cockerille Avenue home, following what police are calling a comp…

“I don’t really follow national controversies. I follow glazing standards. And that window was original. You can’t just replace that with something from Home Depot.”

Big They is always hiding information from us!

TPSS Co-Op Announces 2nd Location Inside National Harbor’s ‘Sphere,’ Expanding Operations Into Literal Liberal Bubble NATIONAL HARBOR, MD – The Takoma Park Silver Spring Co-Op announced this week that it will open a second location inside the proposed “Sphere” at National Harbor, a smaller replica of the Las…

TPSS Co-Op Announces 2nd Location Inside National Harbor’s ‘Sphere,’ Expanding Operations Into Literal Liberal Bubble

United States Ruining Canada’s Property Value OTTAWA, CA – Canada is demanding the United States stop acting like the neighbor who stores run-down cars on the lawn and insists they’re “projects,” after American behavior in the past year …

“We didn’t move next to this,” said a Toronto realtor, gesturing vaguely south. “At some point America stopped mowing its lawn and started storing kidnapped foreign leaders in its shed.”

What a year, huh? Lemon It's the first Wednesday of 26.

Is it legal to go into another country and kidnap their president? Asking for a 340 million friends.

It's glorious!