planning a verbal assault on renowned radical leftist [checks notes] the pope

somehow “person woman man camera tv” is a more reasonable string of words than “the pope is weak on crime”

tell me you have only met like 5 people without telling me you’ve only met like 5 people

Guy is walking with his girlfriend on the beach and I’m mogging him by walking exactly in his lady’s footprints

there’s something strangely intimate about walking in someone else’s footprints in the sand. Like you should be arrested if you do it without consent

It’s Casey Anthony

dang I thought this was so funny too. should’ve just posted covfefe

getting an Audi tattoo so people who see my arm from certain angles assume I was in the Olympics

Tiger Woods is the Harrison Ford of cars

my war peace plan is getting all the relevant leaders in a room and having them watch 20min of videos of deaf babies and toddlers getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s voices for the first time

Quite old but my favorite onion headline ever

I’m not even a classic barstool hater but man Wake Up Barstool is such a twisted tv show concept. Who wants to see bros debate underboob vs sideboob at 8am. Sir this is my time to drink coffee and read about the world’s horrors

ME: I decided to cook for our 1st date
DATE: nice
ME: I’m sort of a foodie
DATE: ok
ME: *sets down plate* these are shaped like dinosaurs

Wasn’t your nickname Stern but Fair

no

this French bakery is spooky and it’s giving me the crepes

wife: i should have never let you take that morse code class

me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me

can’t stop wont stop if i do the bus explodes

In a hotel room, a brick wall that has obviously had a huge hole repaired

Pretty sure the Kool-Aid man stayed in this hotel room once

if you think anyone who holds a different opinion or perspective than you is wrong and there’s no wiggle room at all in your worldview, that’s narcissism. sorry to be the one who tells you that “I’m right about everything” is an ego problem.

maybe he was. probably even. I understand and respect your point, but it doesn’t change my view. I’d prefer focus elsewhere

takes like this are so tired and such a distraction and I hate it.

Five-Star General: (gravely) Sir, Operation Epic Bacon is not going awesomesauce

I can’t believe we’re in the brief period where you can legally get rich insider trading on prediction markets and I have no access to sensitive information

to be clear my pill was an ibuprofen. the song about this did poorly

The flight attendant just closed the flimsy curtain between business class and economy, they must be doing something mysterious up there

I also took a pill in Ibiza but Avicii still thought I was a huge loser

I had forgotten I had ever posted this tbh but @prof-hinkley.bsky.social reminded me

[Ken Burns slowly narrating over an artistic shot of a scrolling timeline] “user GayChungus420 had no idea he was about to make history”

The Last Cup is a documentary I would watch