that's a microphone

the factory definitely had cyanide in it and J&J immediately destroyed all the recalled bottles I am just saying

Child: Can I be finished?
Adult: Take five more bites.
Child: Big bites or little bites?
Adult: Normal bites.
Child: [sadly eats 5 molecules of potato]
Adult: That wasn't a normal bite.
Child: That WAS normal bite.
Adult: Take five normal bites.
Child: [takes a normal bite] ok three more bites

listen, can YOU tell the difference between a brontosaurus and charles at a quick glance?

Cocaine pollution in rivers and lakes may disrupt behaviour of salmon, study finds Fish swam further and dispersed more widely after exposure to environmental levels of drug and main metabolite

Eels: fucking tell us about it

have you tried super glue?

Tylenol murders were factory contamination

Tim Apple is cooked

A push alert from the app Watch Duty about a fire at the BKK landfill

Today's Omen: 4 acre trash fire

Instead of having a nice (slightly overpriced) snack, I could be having a quiet anxiety attack on my couch about whether I'm going to miss my flight

The neighbor across the street knocked on my door not long after I moved in to show me video my next door neighbor ON MY LAWN and inform me that he does it ALL THE TIME

(he's a very sweet old man who is definitely there to prune the rose bushes he planted along the property line)

birth! day! cheese! plate!

not that I remember! did he tell you what he actually likes?

listen dad, if you don't give us some direction we're going to hire 3-5 strippers, so please, for the sake of your grandchildren, tell us what kind of cake you want

you know who else thought he was dying but turned out to be fine three days later?

the crank hill I will die on is you should shoot video horizontally

no one on this ship has heard a "no" they believed applied to them in the last 50 years

captain on the radio to the Hormuz Boss: buddy, I've got 200 retirees on board, no kids, and nothing to lose

don't mess with Viking cruises

put feet up and receive Get Well gifts from your friends and admirers

I have worked enough frontline customer service jobs to immediately want to know what he did to make the taco guy reach for the machete

Even if you want to get married at work, surely the university has a nice green space??

UV Liquid WindowAlert UV Liquid adds UV dots between WindowAlert decals to prevent bird window strikes. Easy sponge-tip application, lasts 4–6 months, removable.

they make it in markers now so you can write BIRDS FUCK OFF in clear uv paint

dumplings

sounds like Gracie to me

🎵🎵awaaaay in a manger 🎵🎵🎵

lemme stop you right there, that's how your baby accidentally gets circumsised by a goat

Lie down with horses, get accidentally stomped on the head

point of clarification are there currently an unknown number of rats in the ED?

giant baby nephew had a hapkido belt test today and it is a sobering thing to watch your 13yo baby nephew disarm a black belt with a [prop] knife and realize he could fully kick your ass at any time